Dear Hair,

Oh, hair. Why do you torment me?

Other women have glossy, shiny, bouncy hair. Hair that gets songs written about it. Hair that gets stares and sighs. Why can’t that be you?!

I've tried to take care of you. I’ve washed you, conditioned you, styled you, brushed you. I’ve used natural shampoo, highly expensive chemical concoctions, three minute miracles, long term plans, and overnight conditioning treatments. And here you sit, looking stupid AGAIN. Another day of looking like I slept in the park.

First of all, you’re naturally curly and I can live with that even though you don’t always give me the tight pretty curls I like but most of the time opt out for the stupid humps that bear no resemblance to curls at all. I’ve tried to straighten you from time to time using expensive straightening creams, mediocre straightening devices and what happens? As soon as I walk outside into the slightest bit of humidity you do that fucked up humpy thing again. Can’t I get a break!

Secondly, you drink conditioner like you’re a frat boy sucking suds. I’ve conditioned you every damn day, and you’re crispy and frizzy. Yesterday, I didn’t even use shampoo, just conditioner, and you’re still a fried mess. Would one day of shine kill you?

And let’s talk about the cut. I have no money to blow, so I can’t afford a good expensive cut. I can afford Wal-Mart, maybe, but that way I’d have a short stupid haircut. (Is that all they teach those people how to cut?) So I don’t cut it, and now I have a semi-long stupid haircut. I try to keep it long because my husband likes it like that and so I can have styling options, because maybe someday I’ll come up with something that looks good. Riiiiiiight. Thank the Lord for ponytail holders.

I’ve seen women with beautiful hair. I know they exist –– Jennifer Aniston, Eva Mendes, Sarah Jessica Parker, bitch in the checkout at Wal-Mart. They have glorious gorgeous fabulous tresses. I wish I could have them, just for a day.

But noooooo. You perch atop my head, like a fuzzy lopsided stringy nasty dead wombat. You are the cockroach in the strawberry sundae of my life. Screw you, where’s my hat?

PS: Mom, would you consider giving me a haircut when I come in next weekend?

I Can't But I Can

I can't believe it's Monday already, the weekend flew by for me. I can say that it definitely looks like we had a party over the weekend by the looks of my house. We didn't. The most exciting thing that happened around here this weekend was that the neighbors, who have been trying to sell their house for months now, had an open house and A1 and Hub-a-dub went over to be nosey. Shame.On.Them.

I can't wait for spring to finally get here. I can feel the spring fever creeping up on me already.

I can't believe the drastic weather changes around here. I can wear short sleeves and jeans one day but need a heavy overcoat and gloves the next.

I can't believe we had to take A1 to the mall to buy new clothes and he actually spent some of his own money. I can see the girl next door is finally getting to him.

I can't find a good cleaner to get the frikkin' milk stains off my couch cushion. I can see it's going to be a lot easier to just flip the stupid thing over to the other side.

I can't wait for tomorrow night's American Idol. I can only hope they boot that kid Sanjaya off on Thursday. (I really don't like him.)

I can't decide whether or not to go get my hair cut. I can say that it's starting to take on a Buckwheat style fro. (I seriously have the worst hair in history.) It has a mind of it's own.

I can't find a decent conditioner for my hair that I like. I can pull out about 10 half used bottles of conditioner from under my sink right now.

I can't sit here through another episode of Jimmy Neutron without screaming. I can tell A2 isn't going to be happy when I change the channel.

I can't force myself to watch Days of Our Lives these days. I can just get the quick updates off my favorite Days site without having to suffer thorough the character assassinations they are doing right now. Note to new writer: Stop messing up the good characters and stop with the freaking flashbacks already. I know what happened yesterday, I don't need a 15 minute reminder in the middle of the show.

I can't believe that I'm finally losing weight. I can tell a real difference in my clothes. (This makes me happy.)

I can't believe you didn't see A2 shaking his booty in the middle of Shoe Carnival on Saturday. I can tell you it was hilarious. He heard some disco song come on and first started walking weird from one foot to the other and once he found his spot, he stood there and shook his butt back and forth to the music. We got a lot of looks and awww's. A2 and I love us some disco.

I can't believe the doctor who stitched me up after having A2 didn't quite do it right and I'm still having side pains. I can only hope she stubs her toe today at work. Tomorrow and the next day too. (My side seriously hurts bitch.)

I can't believe the same doctor didn't do the best job on A2's surgery either. I can tell I'm going to call her bad names on more than one occasion.

I can't find my cell phone now because A2 loves to wander around with it. I can only hope he doesn't stick it in the toilet.

I can't see the floor in A1's room. I can hear him complaining now that he doesn't have any clean clothes to wear. (I'm not going in there to get them.)

I can't figure out how to load pictures onto my iPod. I can tell you I'm going to feel like an idiot when I finally do figure it out. I'm sure it's that simple.

I can't stop sleeping with my iPod earbud in my ear at night now. I can touch my ear in the morning and it hurts.like.hell. because I slept with it in all night.

I can't wait to go on a vacation. I can imagine me on the beach somewhere loving life. (This won't happen any time soon but it's a nice thought I like to have.)

I can't see me in a bikini yet. I can use that thought as inspiration to keep working out.

I can't see this house getting any cleaner, the laundry getting and closer to being done, the dinner being cooked for tonight, or the baby taking a bath on his own as long as I continue to sit here. I can dream.

Quick Update

Ok, so I was wrong about which guys were going to receive their walking papers this week on Idol. I'm pretty shocked actually that Nick Pedro left this week. I just knew his looks would carry him out for at least a couple more. After thinking about it I'm pretty sure it had a little something to do with his dedication. He should have dedicated something to his dog or somebody else and let the lusting females out there at least perceive him as available. I'm guessing his loving tribute to his girlfriend made him lose some of his appeal. I didn't think he was as hot after I saw that he was in love. Just sayin'. AJ's ousting wasn't as big of a shock but I'm sure as hell not alone in the thinking that Sanjaya should have left before him! Even Paula made a comment. Give me a break. Sanjaya even knows he's way out of his league. But I digress.

I called it on the girls. I can't believe that skank Antonella is safe but then again she owes a lot of that to the worsters and probably all the horny teenage guys, or really anyone of the male persuasion. I'm sure they'd like to keep her around in the hopes of more pictures surfacing. It finally got the best of Huz last night and he had to Google up some of them. He didn't see them all but I helped him find the better part of them. He didn't see anything wrong with the pictures. He'll have fun with this with my Dad. I think I even heard him yell out "Go Tar Heels" once. (You'd have to see her picture on the basketball to get that).

K, gotta run. Don't tell anyone I'm admitting this to you but I'm being a TV surf whore right now. I've been glued to the frikkin' television all day watching Anna Nicole's funeral coverage. I had to go back to the doctor for a follow up today and....wait for it.....set MSNBC to tape while I was gone. Gaaaw, I'm such a loser sometimes! Found out though that Entertainment Tonight was actually inside and they were allowed the rights to the funeral. I.Can't.Wait. Sick I know but hey it's just between you and me right?!

Rest in Peace Anna.
Virgie Arthur - Get.A.Life.