Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Because You Loved Me

All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to someone who didn't have to.

Thirteen some odd years ago I became a mom. I was scared out of my mind and had no idea what being a mom actually meant. I had a great role model in my own mother regarding what being a mother didn't mean. I've learned a lot by trial and error, mostly error, but as far as mother's go I know I can't be the worst.

I owe a lot of what I did learn about being a mom to someone that has made a huge difference in my life. She came along at a time when I thought I knew it all and frankly didn't need advice from some "stranger".

My early years were not the happiest of times. I was born to two people who were too young to have a child of their own and looking back now I realize they did they best they could at the time under the circumstances. I'm not going to rehash all the horrors of my childhood because it no longer has power over me. I've learned to live on in spite of it. I'll just say that at a very early age I gave up on ever knowing what it would truly mean to be loved by a mother.

I never thought I would feel unconditional love from any female in my life other than my daddy's mother and her mother. They were all I had to cling to as a child and to this day I love them both with all my heart and soul. My great grandmother recently passed away back in December and it's still so surreal to me even though she hadn't been herself for several years. To me she was and will always be the sweet shaky granny that would do anything for anybody and pout if she didn't get her way.

Because I had it rough early on, by the time I hit high school I was rebellious. I wasn't going to live in fear any longer. I had the typical teenage (read: raging asshole) attitude and got into way more things than I should have (except drugs). I went to school when I wanted to, I went out with my friends when I wanted to and came home when I wanted to all thanks to a magic little latch on my bedroom window. Yep, I was that teenager. On the surface and to everyone else I was a smart well behaved child but underneath it all I was broken and searching for any means of escape I could find. I was experiencing some fierce growing pains to say the least.

My daddy in a sense was going through some of his own at the same time. He tried to keep me in check but he had to work and couldn't keep his eye on me round the clock. He provided for me as best he could but there for a while we didn't do much else other than become passing strangers to each other. He had lived his life thus far trying to keep a raging lunatic from causing any more harm to me, himself, and all he owned. By the time he divorced he was like a bird let out of a cage only he had no clue which direction he needed to fly until one day when it ALL changed.

He met this woman who would change everything about what was going on in both his and my life. She was a non threatening little woman that stood every bit of 5 foot nothing. She had a feisty personality and lived a lifestyle that was very different from our own. She actually knew where her next meal was going to come from, went on exotic trips, and made the most of all she had. At first I wrote her off as a passing fancy but the longer she stuck around the clearer it became she wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. We got along but of course in the beginning it was a little awkward.

After a while she moved in with us and without me realizing it she tightened the reigns and got me back under some semblance of control. I remember coming home from school one day (yep, she put a halt to my skipping by taking me to and from and calling throughout the day to make sure I was still there) and they told me they were married. They had the rings on their fingers but I still didn't believe it at first. It was only after I saw the license that I believed them.

From that point on she became the glue that held us together and my mom. It took me a while to come to trust in the idea of having someone I could talk to about things and to realize that she was there to help me and wasn't out to get me. When you grow up like I did you don't trust easy if ever at all. She somehow made it easy. I place a lot of emphasis on the fact that I refer to her as mom in my heart even though I may not always call her mom out loud. My mother had me, my mom loves me.

I credit her for pushing me to get my act together so I could graduate from high school on time. I credit her for allowing me grow as a person and to realize that yeah there may be some truth behind the whole blood is thicker than water adage but sometimes blood is just blood and it takes more than that to be a mom. She helped me find my self worth and to realize that I am special and deserving of a mother's love. She picked up the pieces of my daddy's heart and helped him find his self worth as well. Together they became the greatest parents and grandparents that I could ever wish for myself and my children.

Even though she came into our circle with two daughters of her own that were already grown and it was just me in the house, she never once made me feel like I was ever any less than her own. Because of her I was able to add two more amazing women to my short list of loving women in my life, her and her mother. They are both rare gems in a world filled with cynicism. When I had my first son at 19 I was scared to death but knew that I wasn't and would never be alone in loving and caring for him even though it felt like it at the time. She would walk through fire for me and both of my boys and there aren't that many people out there that are that selfless when they don't have to be.

So with all this being said, today is my mom's birthday. I can't be there to give her a hug and wish her many many more but in my heart I'm giving her the biggest squeeze she could ever imagine. I know she has mixed emotions about this time of year and sometimes has a hard time celebrating because we lost her mother around this time a few years back. Her mother was a wonderful woman with a heart of gold. The best gift she ever gave to my mom was her same fiery spirit and loving kindness. I miss Memaw to this day because she too took me into her heart and never once made me think she didn't love and care about me and especially A1.

Happy Birthday mom. I love you more than you could ever know and I thank you for being you. I can say that I am who I am in part because you loved me and you didn't have to.

This is for you.

Friday, February 22, 2008

In Memoriam

Dear Lord,
When I get older please please please don't let me get plastic surgery. Let me be comfortable with my wrinkles or better yet just make sure I get my granny's complexion. (She's beautiful!)

Anyway, sadly Mickey Rourke went from this (watch it all the way through - it's pretty awesome)

to this

and that is scary as hell!!

Mickey, Mickey, Mickey what have you done to yourself?? Do you own a freaking mirror?

This cat must not have friends like mine who make no qualms about telling you when you look like ass. He was soo cute in 9 and 1/2 weeks. If you haven't seen it you should. It's from way back in the 80's. Talk about a twisted love affair! Don't you just love this song too? Almost makes you want to jump up and rip off all your clothes doesn't it!

I said ALMOST!

Why am I posting about this today after a being out for over a week? Because I'm bored and saw this video on YouTube and it made me think back to the first time I ever saw this movie and my yankee friend and I thought we were watching *gasp* a real live porno flick. (I was only about 15 so you can't blame me for thinking that!) Also posting this mundane nonsense because I'm putting off cleaning my house as long as humanly possible. It hasn't quite reached the inhumane status but it's close.

I'm trying very hard to ignore the gang of killer dust bunnies screaming "i'mmacutchoosucka" at my ankles and toes when I stroll through the dining room. There have to be a million of them all over this place and I swear it hasn't been that long since I did the floors. I'll show those little bastards who's boss eventually and suck their asses up with the vacuum but it probably won't be today. I have more stuff to look up on YouTube to clean my room, scour the bathrooms, and do some laundry. Housework blows, just not as hard as Mickey's plastic surgeon.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

H♥ppy V♥lentine's D♥y!!

♥ Nothing says, "I love you" quite like saturated fat and slutty lingerie, right girls? Don't know about you but I'm going to skip on the box of chocolates this year and if you haven't been following along thus far and are clueless to my body image issues then let me assure you, lingerie just ain't gonna happen either. I've tried that in the past and something about the expectation of having to give it up just because everybody else is doing it takes away from the "romance".

♥ Don't get me wrong, I love that it's Valentine's day and I love my honey but doing the same exact thing every other person in the world is doing today seems more than a little cliché and I'm just not feeling it. We exchanged our "Happy Valentine's Day" kisses this morning before he scooted off to work and that'll be about the sum of our celebrating. I use to go all out and get cards and candy and the lingerie. I would even try to plan something a little special for him whether it be an edible cooked meal or some candles in the bedroom but he's just not into all that stuff and over the hundred or so years we've been together we've finally accepted it's just not us. Although I'm pretty sure he'd still be up for the idea of an edible meal. Any day.

♥ I have more fun getting Valentine's stuff for the boys and making it more about them. Yesterday I finally got out of the house after a third (!) snow day and picked up their stuff. I found them some buckets with hearts on them and lids and bought a ton of little odds and ends to put inside for them. I probably put too much candy in them but that's half the fun! A1 is so hard to buy for since he's getting so much older but he's still my little baby boy at heart so I picked out little things that I know he will get a kick out of if only for a little while.

♥ A2 is a lot simpler. Give him a new car and some Pez and that child is in Heaven! I had some leftover Valentine's cards from A2's little pack so I put a special note on the back of one for each of the boys. I know A2 can't read his but I drew a little face on it and he'll love that. I'm not going to tell A1 about his message because I want him to find it on his own. It pretty much summed up the fact that even though it seems like it sucks to be a teenager we are so proud of him and love him with all our hearts. A1 is an awesome child and I'm blessed to be his mom.

♥ I didn't really go out of my way to get anything for hubby for Valentine's day since I bought him a Wii game for our anniversary which was only a week or so ago. He made me promise that I would let that game count as anniversary and Valentine's Day since he just doesn't like for people to splurge on him, especially me. I agreed. I did find some of the old Fashioned Candy Sticks though and got a bucket of those for him. It's the ones that are covered with chocolate and flavored either peppermint, cinnamon, orange or lemon. I threw in a box of candy hearts since I had some left over from the boys’ stuff and a little made up bag of Gobstopper hearts.

♥ My real gift to him will be letting him come home from work and watch whatever he wants on television or play his video game all night without once wanting to wrestle the remote away from him and force him to watch either Survivor or Supernanny with me. I'll even let him watch Star Wars for the zillionth time without so much as a huff. I'm a giver!

♥ I don't expect anything from him today either. He brought me flowers home out of the blue the week or so before our anniversary and that was so sweet. The unexpected is more what I'm about. For our anniversary he tried to buy a game for me but the people at Sam's messed it all up. They took his money and when he went to the desk to pick it up they said they didn't have any after all. He had to get his money refunded and come home with nothing but a sad story but the receipt to back it up. I didn't mind, it was the thought that mattered. I don't need for him to have to buy me things just because of a certain date on the calendar. He gives me things everyday. Things that can't be bought in any store. He gets up and goes to work every single day to provide for the boys and me. He thinks about us in every decision he makes.

♥ He makes it to where I can stay at home and be here for the boys around the clock. I don't have to rely on babysitters or daycares to raise my children. I can watch their every development right here from the comfort of my living room couch. I can spend the entire day in my pajamas with my hair in a jacked up ponytail on the top of my head sitting in the middle of the floor playing cars and watching Spongebob with A2 if I want and it's because of my husband. That is worth more than something Hallmark can print out on a card, Russell Stover can cover in chocolate and certainly worth a helluva lot more than Victoria can string together with dental floss and lace.

♥ Here's wishing you and your loved ones have a fabulous day. The best gift you can give them is to tell 'em you love them.....and mean it from the bottom of your heart.

For all you single gals out there:

Here's a little something just for you.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Untitled Because I'm Lazy

Yes my life is this boring. I haven't posted because there hasn't been anything to post about. Actually there probably has been but I'm just THAT DAMN LAZY and haven't posted it.

No I haven't worked out. Not.One.Time.

Yes I've still been eating junk like there is no freaking tomorrow. It's crazy cold outside and the kids have had two more snow days this week and it's only Tuesday. I eat to keep from drinking insane amounts of alcohol. Just kidding, but only a little. There is an insane amount of ice dangling from our trees outside and there is no good reason to do anything today besides bundle up on the couch and watch some movies with the boys.

That gives me a much needed break from this damn computer because even though I haven't been blogging I've actually been banging my head against the wall trying to find a reputable school that offers a Master's in Occupational Therapy completely online. Do you know how hard this is?? I've also been praying for the means to pay for said school to fall out of the sky and into my checking account. Paying for graduate school = loosing one, possibly two limbs and more than likely the rights to my soul.

Speaking of praying - I've put in a little overtime in that department because as of yesterday we are faced with the decision to make ANOTHER move or stay where we are at. We have moved so much in the past 10 years and quite frankly I'm not up for too many more. Just so you know we aren't vagabonds or anything like that, we move because my husband keeps working his way up the career ladder. Each move has resulted in more money and a better house. This move however isn't a promotion but an opportunity for us to go home for the first time in those 10 years.

Why the hesitation? Well, we've moved around so much for the sole purpose of my husband to reach his ultimate career goal. If we go home now there is a better than 50% chance he will not reach that ONE LAST STEP. There is a chance that if we go home now we may not be there that long before that last step opens up in an area that we have lived in once before and we would be moving again. Our plan has always been to come home but it was to come home when things had all fallen into place. Right now we aren't sure.

Here's the scenarios - A) Move home now in the position he is in and roll the dice in hopes that the brass ring opens up there in a few years and he can retire at the top of his game. If it doesn't open up he would have to be content staying in the position he is in and have no regrets for giving up that shot. This would result in this being our final move. B) Stay where we are at and hope that the brass ring opens up in one of two positions that may be available in the coming years and then eventually come back home with a better than 50% chance of a lateral (FYI - the brass ring won't be open at home for at least 6 years or so) and then a retirement. This would result in the move up to the brass ring and then home, so that's two more moves. C) Going home for the time being but keeping his eye on the prize and facing the reality of having to move to one of the other two places and then after a while in that state coming back home to settle. This would mean one move home, one move to the brass ring, and then moving back home. That's three more moves. Just so you know,!!

Yep, it's complicated. Yep, it sucks not knowing what the right thing to do for us as a family is right now. Do we want to come home and be with our extended family? Absolutely!! We wouldn't have to make those weekend drives back and forth for visits. No more not being able to be there when something comes up because we're too far away or the weather or whatever is keeping us at bay. No more not having family to fall back on if we need something or someone to take care of the boys. No more wishing I was having supper at my granny's house when she's cooked a big pot of beans and made some of her rockin' cornbread. Is it that simple? Nope!!

Speaking of cornbread, I'm going to the kitchen now. I stress, therefore I eat. I'm fat, therefore I bitch.

This too shall pass. Hopefully sooner rather than later because my ass can't keep spreading like this for too much longer.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Call it What you Want

Why is it so hard to tell myself to put the computer or remote or whateverthehell else I'm doing that is sucking up my brain cells down and go downstairs for at least 20 or 30 minutes to work out? We've practically got an entire home gym down there. There's a television right in front of the treadmill. There is a complete stereo system down there. My iPod is FULL. It's not like I don't have something down there that could entertain me and keep my mind off of the fact that my muscles are going into anaphylaxis because I've convinced myself and my muscles that we must be allergic to physical activity. What else can it be?

Seriously, it sounds so good in my head when I say to myself that I'm going to go work out and I can envision myself down there doing it. I know how good I will feel afterwards because there for a short while I was actually doing it on a regular basis and it felt awesome to know that I was finally doing something for myself.

I have no excuse. Nothing that is valid anyway. I could work out in the mornings. A2 is a late sleeper but I don't do it. I choose to sleep in with him. I could do it in the afternoons when he takes a nap but I don't because I'd rather see who's doing who or what on TMZ or catch up on my blog reading. I could do it at night, which is my favorite time to work out, because A1 and hubby are here and can play with A2 but I'd rather sit up here and flip though the channels on the television about a billion times even though I know there AIN'T.NOTING.GOOD.ON.AT.ALL!! You know, the sad thing is that I can actually go down there at any point regardless of what A2 is doing because he is more than happy to watch Spongebob or play cars down there just as much as he is up here. I guess I'm just too good at making excuses.

It's not like I'm morbidly obese I jumped on the scale about 20 minutes ago and it said 142.2. That's not fat. My BMI says that I'm really in the normal weight range for my height. I could be happy at this weight if I really wanted to be but I don't. I set myself a goal and I want to reach it. My "happy weight" is between 125 and 130. I know I'm never going to look like the girls in the magazines and don't even care about that. I've got fat dimples on my ass and my boobs are not symmetrical. I have no muscle tone and I don't care. I just want my jeans to fit me without any overhang and so that I can actually exhale while wearing them. I've got a closet full, FULL, of clothes in there that I'm happy to say I'm gradually fitting back into but there are things that I wouldn't dare wear out in public because of the lumps and bumps. My husband has been WONDERFUL and supportive of me through this whole slump. He could care less how much I weigh as long as I give him a peak. He tells me I look beautiful to him but isn't he SUPPOSE to say that! I thought it came as part of the prenup.

I just don't get it. It's almost as if all the drive and ambition I have has been sucked out of me and to be frank, there really wasn't all that much there to begin with. A2 will be three in July and there is no excuse for me to still be over my prebaby weight. I'm tired of hearing myself whine and cry about it and you have to believe me when I say I really really really want to change. I just don't know how to make myself do it.

This isn't the only thing that I've dropped the ball on here lately. Hubby and I talked about me going back to school to get my Master's. He told me that we'd find the money somewhere but he thinks I should either go to work or go back to school. He can see that I'm getting a little antsy just staying home even though I love being here with the boys more than anything. I looked into finding a program online for a little while but I haven't checked back in over a month. I would LOVE to go back to school as long as I could do it over the Internet. I'm a computer junkie and I love to read and learn and I blazed through my last online classes. They work for me. It's just that my follow through is broken.

Oh well, maybe today will be the turning point. I never made it downstairs last night to work out. I know - real shocker there. I don't have anywhere to be until three this afternoon so maybe I can make myself feel guilty enough between now and then to do something. Work out, take the kids outside to play in the sludge, or maybe even look up some school information.

My honest to goodness thoughts on what will happen......I'll be doing good if I take a shower before I have to leave. I think I smell a touch of the depression creeping in. Welcome to my journey.