Monday, January 29, 2007

Toddlers Do Chores Too

I'm cleaning up the bathroom in a fury today because I really don't want A2 to come in with me since I have a lot to get accomplished and don't want to spend the whole day cleaning. He loves to swirl the scrub brush around in the toilet and it takes me forever to pry him away. I'm also in the middle of finishing up the laundry I started on Thursday and didn't get to complete because we went to see family for the weekend. I know that A2 likes to follow me around and help in his own little way and it's very cute but can sometimes be very time consuming. He loves for me to let him Swiffer the floors and another of his favorite things in the world right now is to put things in the garbage. It's amazing the things he loves to mimic. I think it's so cute how he tries to be just like us. Anyway, I'd rather be playing with him than these mundane chores!

Well undoubtably A2 has been watching his brother while he does chores too and wanted to be a big boy and do what bubba does. Now A2 is really good about telling on himself. Usually whenever he does somehing he's either proud of or that he shouldn't he will come up to me, jabber something and point in the direction of the deed. As I was humped over the toilet in the boy's bathroom he came in and beckoned me in his little way to come see. I just assumed he wanted me to come fix his train that had fallen off the track or something simple like that. Not quite! A2 had decided to take it upon himself to feed the cat. Now you might think that's the cutest thing ever and deep down I know it really is but to my horror A2 had dumped an entire bag of mini marshmallows in the cat's food bowl, in her water bowl, and all over the floor in the laundry room. How did he get them you wonder? We keep his snacks on the bottom shelf in the pantry and he can easily get them and bring them to us if he wants something. We are more than happy to oblige him since he's not that big of an eater these days and it's starting to really frustrate me. So I'm guessing he thought Cat1 (yes, even the cat deserves her privacy) might want a little bit of his favorite snack. ARRRGH!

Note to self: Make sure pantry door is shut from now on or at least make sure the stuff with clips on then that A2 can take off are on the next shelf up.

This has to stay between you and me because if hubby found out he would flip his lid. I think he wanted to make Rice Crispy Treats with those marshmallows! I've learned something from today and it's that I think I know where a toddler gets all their energy. They suck it out of adults.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Wish I was fat like that!

Tyra Banks, who has gained weight since her days strutting the catwalk, says she was upset when unflattering photos showing her in a one-piece bathing suit were mocked on the Internet.

"It was such a strange meanness and rejoicing that people had when thinking that was what my body looked like. It was really hurtful to me," the 33-year-old talk-show host says in an interview in the Feb. 5 issue of People magazine.

The photos show Banks on a beach during a recent trip to Sydney, Australia. They had popped up earlier this month on a celebrity gossip Web site with the not-so-nice headline: "Tyra Banks is Fat."

Banks, who hosts the syndicated The Tyra Banks Show and the CW network's America's Next Top Model, tells the magazine she weighs 161 pounds and has fluctuated from 148 pounds to 162 pounds, depending on how well she's taking care of herself, since retiring from modeling in 2005.

"I don't want to sit in front of you and be soap-boxy and fake and say, 'I love myself, I'm beautiful, it's great,'" says Banks, who is 5 feet 10 inches tall. "I still feel hot, but every day is different. It's when I put on the jeans that used to fit a year ago and don't fit now and give me the muffin top, that's when I say, 'Damn!'"

In other words, yes, she has put on weight, though not nearly as much as recent tabloid stories have suggested.

Banks says "I'm not the healthiest eater" and isn't required to "live up to that model standard anymore."

"I've made millions of dollars with the body I have, so where's the pain in that?" she says. "If I was in pain, I would have dieted. The pain is not there — the pain is someone printing a picture of me and saying those (horrible) things."

I copied that from a website today after seeing this story on television. It's such a shame that someone that is so beautiful and known for her body is being scorned now because she no longer fits the uberthin supermodel standard. She has a few extra curves but carries it extremely well. Hell I wish I carried my weight as well as this girl! Granted she is about six inches taller than I am but I'm guessing my 149lbs (yes, it's up a couple from before) are proportionate to her 161 with the height difference. To me she still looks amazing and I think it's stupid that so much emphasis is being placed on her current weight.

Today's society is so worried about what the scale says that they lose perspective on what kind of message it sends to girls and young women. I was very fortunate to be a skinny little shit for most of my life. I had my first child and gained only about 10 to 12 pounds with that pregnancy. After he was born you would have never guessed I had given birth. It wasn't until about four years ago that I noticed I had went up from about 110 to about 125 and at the time that was a big jump for me. My gracious I had to move up to a size 8, for shame. **rolling my eyes** After I got pregnant with A2 I more than made up for the weight I didn't gain with A1. I ballooned up to about 165 and convinced myself that it would all go away after he was born. He was going to be a big baby. Yeah right! He was smaller than the first one and after he was born I still looked like I was carrying twins!

Hence you keep hearing about my struggle right now to lose weight. I don't want to get back down to 110 or even 120. In fact I went through my closet and gave away all my size 4 and most of my size 6 pants. My goal is to get back into a comfortable 8 and down to about 135. I would love to see 130 but don't want to set myself up for disappointment. I'm doing extremely well as far as working out on a regular basis goes. I'm not eating so well this week. It's the chocolate and cheese week and it's a real struggle but I'm trying, not succeeding very well, but trying. I see the number on the scale rise back up a couple of pounds but I'm not discouraged. I like to think it's muscle that I'm building. I can already see a difference and I went out with a friend yesterday who noticed as well. Major confidence booster!

So anyway, it's just crappy that the top headline on one of those stupid newsmagazine programs today was the fact that Tyra Banks would no longer blow away in a windstorm but might actually sit down and chow on a cheeseburger. I say good for you Tyra for saying that you still feel hot. I'm working on being able to say that myself...right now I'm just a little warm!

Current specs:
about three weeks away from comfortably wearing my favorite jeans

Monday, January 22, 2007

To Spank or Not To Spank

I was watching the Today show this morning and there is this lady in California who wants to make it illegal to spank a child that is under the age of three. I got to thinking about it and wondered this: 1. Does this lady even have children of her own? I'm guessing probably not, and 2. Who the hell is she to decide how someone should discipline their own child?

I was brought up in a home where I cringed whenever my mother would walk behind me because she firmly believed in the "spare the rod spoil the child" mentality but this bat-shit-crazy bitch took it way too far. I can remember many many occasions in which I got my ass beat by this bscb and had no idea why I had to endure her wrath and there were times in which I probably needed it. I don't condone beating your children, don't get me wrong. My heart goes out to all the voiceless children who are being abused in homes across the world. These are the extreme cases and in that situation it is wrong. What my mother did to me was wrong but it taught me a valuable lesson in how not to be. I do believe that it doesn't harm a child if they are spanked within the proper context and right after they have committed the infraction. This bullshit of "you're gonna get it when we get home" is just that, bullshit. By that time the child has disconnected the wrong doing with the spanking and now it's just a display of them being spanked by their parent for who knows what they are thinking in their little heads.

The real debate is this, we know that about two-thirds of parents in the U.S. do spank their kids at some point, yet most "experts" caution against it. Passions run high: some liken spanking to child abuse; others call it a practical and effective punishment. Some say it will do no harm if used gently and appropriately, while others claim a child will grow up more aggressive and unhappy if he or she is spanked.

I have a 12 and a half year old and I can only go on my experience with him and the experience I had as a child. On the one hand you have my situation, step out of line and get your ass beat. On the other hand you have me and my son, he misbehaved, I spanked (not beat with a belt or switch but usually open palm). He and I are both very well adjusted fully functioning members of society. I decided that the ordeal I had to go through was something that I was never going to put my children through but I didn't have a problem with spanking him when he needed it. You can draw your own conclusions but A1 is a straight A student. He is very well behaved and always has been. I haven't had to spank him but a handfull of times in his 12+ years and I get compliments from friends, family and even complete strangers on how well behaved he is and that he is a joy to be around. I can't take full credit for that because he was born a great kid with an awesome temperament but he's a kid and has done some pretty stupid shit that he needed to be punished for.

A2 is a very active 18 month old and he's already a well behaved little boy. No, I don't spank him per se, but I have swatted his hands when he has grabbed for something that he shouldn't have and now all it takes, most of the time, is a good "aaaiiinnt" from me and he leaves stuff alone or stops what he isn't suppose to be doing. I'm very lucky that he has his brother as an example to go by but he isn't as mild mannered as his bubba. A2 is a little more mischevious and rowdy. But that can be a fun thing as long as he understands he can't just do whatever he wants to do without consequences.

Of course spanking my children isn't the only means of discipline I have used. I don't want to sound like some harsh disciplinarian because I'm really not (disregard the fact that my nephew calls me the Queen of Mean). I've tried time out and that works for about a minute. I've tried to just talk them out of doing something but seriously do you really think a one and a half year old knows what you are trying to explain to him when you are yammering on and on about why he can't throw your hairbrush in the toilet? Personally, I worry much more about consistent verbal criticism than the occasional swat on the butt. The wayward child who runs out in the street must learn that they shouldn't do so, even if they are too young to understand why they shouldn't do so. Explanations can only get you so far in restraining the desires of the young toddler who is going to constantly be testing your limits.

I have found the reward system to work exceptionally well with both of the boys and plain and simple ignoring some behaviors works like a charm. Now that A1 is older I get him where it hurts now and that is taking away stuff. He loses computer privileges and that kills him and now that he has an iPod he'd rather walk the line than see me jamming out to his tunes while he's grounded from it for a week!

So what should you do? It's nice for parents to present a unified front with regard to discipline -- that way the child gets a consistent message, learns the lessons more efficiently, and can't play one parent against the other. Providing my children with a loving home with proper discipline is my first priority in life. I'm not perfect and there are days I wish I could start all over knowing the things I do know but who doesn't? I just think it's a parent's right to choose how they want to discipline their child and crazy to pass laws regulating those choices. Hell, I think it should be against the law for not disciplining your child. Who wants to be around some bratty ass kid that noone can control and is bound and determined to do everything they shouldn't just to get a rise out of their parents?!

“Discipline doesn't break a child's spirit half as often as the lack of it breaks a parent's heart”.

Can you do it

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, or on the couch like me, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.. Your foot will change direction!!!

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Workout payoff

I said I slipped up on the workout thing and wasn't doing as well as I had wanted to back during the holidays. Well, since I said I was going to get back into it and do it for real this time, I'm happy to announce that I stuck to my goal! Yay me! I have been working out every other day on the Bowflex of doom and on some of the in between days I ran on the treadmill for about 20 minutes. (Ok, I embelished a bit there, I said some of the in between days and meant to say once)

I'm not seeing a decrease in weight I'm actually back up to about 150 to 151 but the unnecessary fat has been melting away. I actually put on a pair of size 8 jeans the other day and they fit quite nicely I must say. Yesterday, I put on a pair of jeans, I think they were 8's too and my Rolling Stones T-shirt and looked pretty good. No lumps, no bumps and was breathing quite well. I wore that shirt back in the summer and had the bulges from H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks, no lie.

I've got four weeks left on my workout regime before I decide whether or not the people at Bowflex are full of it but I'm guessing that as long as I stick to my working out on a regular basis they might actually get a thumbs up from me and I don't give those out too easily!

Moving along, It's finally cold here in my neck of the woods and I'm not loving that. We've had such a mild winter so far, I'm talking days in the upper 50's to mid 60's. I can so live with that! But for some reason it's turned off super cold and the highs are barely making it past the low 30's. Ewww. The weather man here must have gotten his degree from Toys-r-Us because the forecast for this weekend consists of him saying we "might get snow, we might get rain, or we might get a little something in between". Are you kidding me? I could have told you that much just by looking out the freakin window. A1 is hoping for snow, A2 couldn't care less, hubby is too busy playing around on ebay to notice and I'm looking forward to spring. I'd rather sweat to death than be cold.

Oh, I got another call from Pita (you remember them, pain-in-the-ass) the other day and guess what news they had to share? Abso-freaking-lutely nothing that I haven't alreay heard from them about three times already. Pita is seriously mentally ill. I'm not making fun, just an observation. Seriously, how many times can you tell the same person the same story, starting it off with "did I tell you this," before you get a clue? I love this person to death and try to elude to the fact that I've heard this shit before but they just keep on yammering. I must have a good heart deep down inside because I just listen. Maybe, I'm just bored out of my mind and appreciate listening to another adult. I guess we'll never really know for sure. Side note: My sister called me after I mentioned Pita the first time and asked if it was her. I got a good chuckle out of that but it's not her and she was relieved. **still laughing at you a little though sweetie just because you asked**

I almost forgot to mention my most favorite show in the world! American Idol started back this week. I'm all about that show let me tell you. I do have one complaint thus far with the show. Remember that hysterical 30 second clip of weirdos that American Idol used to promo the new episodes? Yeah, all that hilarity is not so funny stretched over two hours. American Idol, I'm begging you, STOP the two hour episodes. Please! I'm also not impressed with anyone they have put through to Hollywood so far. I didn't really think that foreign Donnie and Marie duo they sent was that great. The Shakira slut-a-be wasn't awful but she won't make it far. I'll have more on this as the show progresses. I called Carrie Underwood winning that year and until they did some freaky thing with Chris last year, had him pegged as the winner. (Oh, did I mention Clay was robbed his year!) We'll see if I can pick out a good one this year. I'm looking forward to wasting endless hours (A) watching the show, (B) talking about the show with my chums, and now (C) blogging about it!

I'm off to find my teapot, the one that whistles, I love that thing. I haven't been able to find it since we moved and I'm wanting some hot chocolate. After that I'm gonna sit my booty on the couch and watch some mindless junk on the television, watch the kids fight over the train table, and try to keep from causing bodily harm to my husband for bidding on shit we don't need on ebay.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Myspace = Wasteofspace

I'm sure if you are reading this blog then you have at least heard of a little known website called Myspace. If not, turn your computer off now and go watch CNN or something. I was browsing around on Myspace the other day just for shits and giggles to see who all was on there and I've come to the definate conclusion that I hate frikkin' Myspace! It has to be the biggest bunch of bullshit out there. It's almost like enduring high school all over again. Who wants to do that?? (besides my husband who has a generic page **i laugh at him behind his back over it**)

It's essentially one big competition to see who has the coolest layout, most amount of "friends", and who can come up with the most original dumbshit post to put in someone's message column so they look cooler. You see, when you sign up for MySpace, you instantly have your first friend. You're immediately best buddies with the most popular person on MySpace which is some cat named Tom. Now, to understand the stupidity of this, you have to understand that this is a social networking mechanism. Tom is/was the mastermind behind the whole Myspace concept so he welcomes you with his generic greeting. He's everyones friend, you aren't special. You are immediately thrust into an extended network depending on the information you used to register and there are usually thousands of people within this network. You are free to browse all of the profiles that are up on Myspace and to steal any content you like and use it as your own. I've seen the same page layout on at least three different people now. How original! **rolling my eyes here**

Now that it's been set up all you have to do is sit and wait to see how many profile views you get, how many friend invites you receive, and while you wait see how many of your lamest pictures you can post up for the world to view. This is probably the worst part of Myspace. No one knows how to take a picture anymore. Essentially there are four types of pictures found on MySpace. The trendy "I can take pictures of myself in the mirror" photo, the "I'm way too ugly or trying to be too hip to use my real photo" image, the "I'm hideously deformed and want to use a picture of me from far away or a glamour shot" photo, and the "look at my dog, bong, close up of my make up, or butt crack" shot.

Seriously what's wrong with just taking a picture of yourself and using it. You shouldn't care what others think about your appearance, and if you have enough self confidence to post your profile on a site used by over five million people and counting you have enough self confidence to post a decent photo of yourself. It's almost as if it's a competition to see who can post up the dumbest picture of themself yet still come across as sexay (yes, I meant to spell it that way)! I looked at tons of those pictures and they're dumb, unoriginal, and I'd rather look at planter warts than look at some of these uninspiring photo contributions to the world.

Next thing is that there are a way more guys posting on hot girls sites than the other way around. I'm sure it's all an ego boost for the girl to have 500 posts telling her she is hot, but seriously, if 399 of them are from the same douchebag then it smells a little like a stalker to me and trouble waiting to happen. And just as a side note; if you put your hometown up on the site and the name of the frikkin' high school you went to, college you dropped out of, or your current workplace then expect some scary ass person to show up looking for you. What the hell are you really expecting...Mr. Right? The other thing that kills me is that after these assclowns have posted up all this personal information about themselves up for the world to read and someone does take a rather unhealthy liking to them, they turn around and bitch and moan about it in their MySpace blog. Where's the sense in that? Either make yourself a little more anonymous or shut the hell up and take your medicine because you deserve it!

I knew a couple of my friends had profiles on MySpace and so I did a search to see how many others were out there desperately looking to reconnect with old friends or looking for new ones. I did an exclusive search just for the alumni of my high school spanning the years 1989 to 1994 and found some pretty funny stuff. Of note, there was one chick on there that was such a teacher's pet, very quiet and ubersmart who was a total goth chick now. Wow, that was scary. She had skulls and crossbones on her page, some hard rock tune playing in the background, and pictures of her and her friends dressed in black leather with whips and chains.

I could go on and on about the deluded people and their funny profiles but I'll refrain. I just think it's hee-lar-ious to read some of the stuff these people put out there looking to be the most popular girl/boy all over again or in some cases for once in their life. Cheers to you my friends. Oh wait, I can't call you my friends can I? I don't have a MySpace page. Maybe I'm just jealous. If someone out there wants to create a page for me I'll totally rock it out. Til then I'll just make fun of yours (oh and my husbands he he he, ha ha ha).

I'm off to get ready for some more American Idol. **squealing with utmost delight** I love that show. Now I have a valid excuse to serve grilled cheese and spaghetti o's at least once or hell maybe even twice a week again. Woo hoo!

Oh and FYI, my opinion is neither copyrighted nor trademarked, and it's price competitive. If you like, I'll trade for one of yours.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Productivity is on the rise

Don't know what happened but I decided to get up Thursday and clean, clean, clean. I've scrubbed about every inch of this house and that's saying a lot! I organized some of the cabinets under the sinks, I've put clothes away that have just been sitting in piles for a while now. I even took the time to sort out all the sippy cups in the cabinet and put the correct lids on each one and clean out all the stoppers for them. That was a friggin chore and a half. Now, three days worth of cleaning later, I can sit here on my ass with a clear conscience and do what I like to do best..waste time on the internet.

There really isn't all that much that I do on here. I like to read the daily goings on at my favorite Days of our Lives site. There is this guy that runs it and he is more of a Days freak than I or any of my other Days watching buddies every thought we were. After that I like to read a couple blogs and then on to craigslist. Have you ever gone to that site? There are some real crazy people on that site. Guess that's why I like it so much. I just like to read the best of craigslist section. The rest is useless to me. I like to see what's on ebay that I might need and now that American Idol is coming back on I'll be visiting all my worsters over at Vote for the Worst. Then, if I'm up for a good argument, I'll go over to Old Navy, Gymboree or Gap and do a little shopping for the kiddies. Exciting I know. In fact, I'm so exciting I can hardly stand myself.

That's about the extent of my interneting. I'm thinking about starting a website and trying to run a business but that takes a lot of effort and I'm not so sure I want to do that. I do have my priorities you know. Somebody has to do all this laundry, all the cooking, cleaning, general upkeep and perusing of the internet. Speaking of upkeep, while doing all my cleaning I've come to the conclusion that my absolute least favorite thing to do is vacuum the frikkin' (I like that word it rolls of the tongue well) floors. How did I come to that decision you ask?

Well first of all it takes forever to make it from one end of the house to the other and by the time I'm finished my arm feels like it's going to fall off and it's one of those stupid self propelled vacuums. I think the self propelling part is broke though. Second of all, I don't know what it is about the vacuum that makes my children lose their damn minds. As soon as I turn it on they immediately start running around and screaming at the top of their lungs. What, they think I can't hear all that or that I don't see them acting like crazed idiots??!! Plus, while I'm in the middle of trying to vacuum, that's usually when A1 needs to ask me about a hundred questions. I tell him to hold on a second but he starts making this face like it's a life or death matter. I shut the vacuum off and he asks me some dumbshit question like, "what are we having for dinner?". Arrrgh!! Another thing that happens while I'm trying to vacuum is that A2 is so fascinated by it that he wants to "help" and by that I mean stand in front of where I'm trying to push the heavy ass thing so that it takes me twice as long to get around him and get done.

I've decided that I want our next big practical purchase to be one of those Dyson vacuums. I'm guessing they don't come apart as easy as the one I have does. If I walk away from the one I have for more than a second, A2 has got the front panel ripped off and is trotting over to give it to me. Plus I've heard you can just empty them out when you are finished and don't have to fool with those stupid bags that get so heavy and dirty and stink like ass whenever you turn the thing on. I thought I would have enjoyed one of those robosweepers but someone gave me one a few months ago and it cleaned my floors about as well as wiping your ass with just one square of toilet paper. Seriously, don't waste your time with those things!

Well, enough about my cleaning. In the middle of all this I have managed to work out every other day on my Bowflex. I decided to be bold and turn the poster they give you to use as a guide over from the beginner's side to the intermediate. OH MY GOODNESS! I woke up so sore the following day but it was really worth it. I have tried to cut back on what I eat which has been really easy and I'm happy to say I'm actually seeing some results. My goal is to fit into my favorite pair of jeans and to have them button without bulges. I can get my ass into them right now but there is no way I would wear them in front of anybody. It wasn't but about four months ago that I tried to put them on and they wouldn't get up past my thighs. So woo hoo for me! Things are looking good around here and I'm feeling good about it.

Next on my list of things to do: Get the husband to get off his regio glutealis and go with me up to the gym, that we pay a membership to and have never been inside together but one time ever, and play racquetball with me with the new racquetball equipment that we have had in the back of my SUV for about three months now. Wow how's that for a run on sentence!! I'll keep you posted. I've never played and I'm sure that will make for some interesting reading. What am I, insane?

FYI, Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtaxed. Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

It hit the fan, the bed, the floor, my arm, etc....

I like to think of myself as a pretty good mom. I'm not the best there is but pretty good. I have my off days where I would rather take a nap than play a game or change poppy pants but for the most part I love love love being a mom. But you know there are occasions, albeit rare, when I would like to take A1 and A2 to Wal-mart, plop them in a buggy right outside the doors and hang a sign around them that says "FREE TO GOOD HOME"!

The other day was one of those days. A1 and A2 were hanging out here with me and the husband doing normal everyday chores. A2 kept bugging me for a drink of my Dr. Pepper so much that I decided to divert his attention elsewhere and give him his own drink. I didn't want to give him milk because I'm trying to get this child to start eating real food again. He's gotten so picky these days that he won't eat much outside Fruit Loops and corn dogs. Nutritional I know. Anyway, we had some apple juice in the fridge so I gave him a cup full. It was about an eight to nine ounce cup. No harm right?

I told A1 that I was going to go downstairs for a little bit to try to find something in the closet down there. He said he'd keep an eye on A2. Hubby and I were probably down there for half and hour when I hear the gate start chirping. I just assumed their curiosity got the best of them and they had to come see what we were doing. Right and wrong.

The next thing I hear is A1 gagging and saying "mom, the baby has shew pants!!!". Great. He comes around the corner holding the baby out at arms length as if he was some sort of biotoxin. He proceded to tell me that he was playing with the baby and heard an awful noice coming from his britches. Oh man, this won't be pretty. Now keep in mind the downstairs isn't usually a place in which we change diapers so I had to send A1 back upstairs for supplies. Stinky baby wanting to play on the floor while waiting for brother to come back isn't a fun scenario. Hubby came around the corner to see what was going on and couldn't get away fast enough before I reminded him it was his turn to change. We share poopy duty. ***woo hoo on that one*** I was glad it was his turn because that poor child had crap from one end to the other. He had it on his legs, oozing out the diaper on the sides and in the front, on his shirt, at this point on the bed, and on his socks. This was going to take more than one person so I had to help.

We got him all cleaned up and stripped down and went back upstairs. The room was too stinky for me to continue what I was doing. I figured I'd give it a little bit to air out. The boys and I decide to see if we could find any Spongebob on television. While looking through the guide I hear this horrible gurgle coming from the direction of the baby and his train table. That didn't sound good at all. I didn't smell anything so I let it go. About two minutes later I hear it again and this time A2 shoots me a look and starts waving that little arm of his and saying "shew". Aww shit.

Here we go again. I scoop the baby up, go into the bathroom to grab a towel, yell at A1 to get a diaper and the wipes and plop him on the bed. More of the same but this time more like condensed pea soup. I'm thinking what is wrong with my baby!!??!! I told A1 to go get hubs from downstairs. I was thinking we were seriously going to have to be quarantined due to the frikkin' ebola virus or something. It was just a matter of time before we all start doing what the baby was doing. Got him cleaned up again and went back to the living room.

We were ok for about half and hour and then there is was, that dreaded gurgle sound coming from the direction of the baby. How in the hell could he have anything left inside him?? He's already shit out half his body weight by this point. But there it was another diaper load. By this point hub-a-dub is NOWHERE to be found, A1's eyes were watering from laughter and the overwhelming stench and I had to change him all alone. Luckily there wasn't that much this time and it didn't get everywhere. I get him all clean, his third outfit on him and set him down to run and play. I'm still trying to run through my head all the stuff he had to eat and wondering what in the hell is causing my baby to crap his everloving brains out.

This is where the truth comes out. I'm in the living room spraying air freshener all around when A1 comes around the corner and says to me, "I guess I shouldn't have given him that extra bottle of apple juice." I stop spraying in midstream, look at him and say, "are you shitting me??? you gave him a refill!!!" No freaking wonder! He proceeded to tell me that while we were downstairs the baby sucked down the first cup of juice and wanted more so he filled it back up for him. That means A2 had about 17 to 18 ounces of apple juice in one sitting. Hell, I'd shit my brains out if I had that much apple juice.

Here I was thinking my entire family was going to be stricken down by ebola and all along A1 was pumping the baby full of pretty much liquid laxitive!!

New house rules:
1. NOONE BUT ME is allowed to give the baby apple juice.
2. You give him juice without my permission, you clean the mess alone!

So you see, there are days in which I, being the self proclaimed pretty good mom that I am, would love nothing more than to take a short trip to Wal-mart with the guys and come back with nothing more in my hands than a big bottle of bubble bath.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Wednesday Rewind

I know, more than one post in one day, who can keep up with that. Well it's just how it works around here. After my Friday night waxing things just seemed to go to hell in a handbasket and I haven't had time to sit down and reflect until now. Sure I need to be scrubbing my toilets, folding laundry, picking up toys, unloading the dishwaher, feeding the dogs but you know what, all that can wait.

I'll sum up the goings on around here since I know you're on the edge of your seat waiting to hear. Saturday was pretty cool. I woke up fearing a large red rash on my leg from the waxing but luckily dodged that. Hub spent most of the day in his office trying to sort through the mounds of papers and boxes he likes to refer to as necessary and important paperwork. I like to refer to it as piles of shit that should have been thrown out in the 80's. But to each his own. I wandered in and out a few times to check on him but he kept giving me stuff to do so I left his ass alone after the third trip down there.

A1 got a new game called UNO Spin for Christmas and we decided to sit down and play a few games. He and I have always loved to play UNO. I taught him how to play when he was about six and we are addicted. We have almost every form of UNO known to man and have worn them out. This one was kinda cool though. He's such a lucky little shit that he always lands on the good stuff like put all but one card down or make the other person pick up a thousand cards. Me, I land on the stuff like show all your cards, draw til you pick up a red or just flat out let the other person win. It was pretty fun though. I won like one game out of at least 120. Now he asks me every five seconds if I want to play it with him. Sure I do it beats housework.

A2 has just been busy being A2. That child is offically a year and a half and amazes me at how smart he is and better yet how mischievious. He will deliberately do stuff just to get a rise out of you. His favorite thing to do is come up to you while you are using the computer, we use laptops here, and stick his head around to look at your screen. Now that's pretty cute and all but while you are looking at his big ol pumpkin head, he is sneaking his little hand up to the keyboard to press a button. It's usually the backspace or delete key or enter. I don't really know what it is but whatever he just pushed makes you lose your place and go back about three pages. Once he's accomplished his task he darts away laughing. He also likes to grab the cat by the tail, pick off the rubber stoppers from the cabinets, walk up behind the cat and scream at her, and ride his tricycle through the house at a hundred miles per hour with no regard to objects that may be in his way. I'm seriously considering taking the cat to the vet for some prescription valium. She's going to need it.

Yesterday was pretty traumatic for him though. It was his 18 month check up and he had to get a shot. Somehow I managed to talk the husband into meeting me for lunch and then we both took A2 for his appointment. I hate taking him to the doctor. He does pretty good but I'm not a very patient person. We get called back into the room after having to wait about 40 minutes past our appointment time. The nurse tells us to strip him down to his diaper and socks. That's not so bad except it took her forever to come back. Hell, I was freezing and she expects a baby to not be cold. She comes back and weighs him, 26lbs, measures him, 31 and a quarter, and says the doc will be in shortly. What the hell ever! Took him at least 20 minutes. Have you ever tried to entertain a baby who is half nekkid with nothing to play with in a room that is cold as crap? It wasn't all that fun. Doc makes it in, we barrage him with questions, the baby checks out fine and now the hard part. Shot time.

Now wouldn't you think that if you were coming in to stick a child in the leg with a needle you would want that child to be as comfortable as possible, I would. This lady comes in tells us to lay him on the table, hold his hands and feet and she would give the shot. That went over like a frikkin lead balloon. First of all A2 is very much like his mommy dearest and hates to be held down. I think he didn't even notice the shot so much, he was pissed beyond belief that he had to be held down. Needless to say she is not on the list of my favorite people. But it was over and done in a matter of seconds. We got out of there and thank goodness don't have to go back until he's two.

Monday I went shopping with the little ones, A1 wanted an iPod case so we schlepped around from store to store in search of the perfect one. Happy to say he found one he liked at Best Buy and it was of all colors PINK! It takes a real man to carry pink. He loves it and said the kids at school said it was pimpin'. Oh Lord help!

While we were out I went to Old Navy and spent my gift cards. Those things were seriously burning a hole in my pocket. None of us needed anything but I managed to spend almost $150 there. Best part is, husband can't bitch about it. Gift cards rock!!! I bought me a pair of green corduroy pants and they were a size...wait for it, wait for it.....10!!! Granted they were a 10 stretch but they fit and looked pretty cute I might add. Yay me! I also got three shirts for me, a green shirt for A1 that said "Smooth like butta" on it with a picture of a butter dish on it and he loved it. I got A2 a rocking shirt that has a heart with flames on it that says "Mom Rocks", picture a tattoo type heart and flame. It was too cute and so worth the grief it was going to cause my husband! It was only $12 but for the look on his face when he read it I would have paid $50. (Did I mention I love to annoy my husband?) He also got some orange pants, an orange hoodie, and another shirt. I can make money stretch at Old Navy. I love that place!! A1 didn't want anything else from there because he has graduated up to Aeropostale and American Eagle. Man, how'd he get so old!

I also made a quick stop into Victoria's Secret. I hadn't bought my much needed bra yet and they were having their semi-annual sale. Is it just me or do they seem to have that same old sale at least 50 times a year? Any way, it couldn't be avoided any longer. I had to buy a new bra. I didn't even care what it looked like. I just reached into the bucket and picked out one. I swear it was to the point to where you remember me going down to bug my husband while he was cleaning his office, well, I went down on one occasion to lift my shirt up to show him I had entered skank territory. I was wearing a freaking bikini top for a bra. I shit you not. It was one of those old ones that make you look like you have a uniboob. But it was either that or let em hang. I just couldn't let em hang with the sweatshirt I was wearing though. It had lettering on it and the inside was all scratchy. So again, yay me, I got a new bra!

Last night was pretty boring, I couldn't find anything good on television. I did notice that the fat attack is on in full force. Every other commercial was for either Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, some miracle fat burning pill, or some sort of work out equipment that would magically transform your body within weeks. Good luck out there all my fellow wanna lose weighters! I'm doing pretty good on that front. I did manage to work out on Saturday and then again on Monday night. I didn't work out last night so that means tonight I have to, no excuses. I'm holding those damn Bowflex people to their word. I better be smoking hot in five more weeks! ***I'm seriously rolling my eyes here***

Speaking of watching television, sorry to jump around, but woo freaking hoo, American Idol is coming back on next week. I love that show, bettter yet, I love that is bugs the piss out of my husband for me to watch it. He tries to act like he isn't interested but you watch, he'll be conveniently around whenever I'm watching it. I watch so much junk on television. I don't understand how this happened but I think A1 is more mature than I am in his television choices.

He will watch the History Channel and documentaries on the Discovery Channel. He likes to watch Mythbusters and shows like Flip that House. He's the very serious type. Keep in mind he's only 12. Granted he likes to watch the Simpson's and South Park too but for the most part this kid is watching educational type shows by his own choice. Me, hell, I'm all about American Idol, Big Brother, the Real World and better yet, the Real World Road Rules challenges. What am I stuck in my high school mentality?? I swear if Beverly Hills 90210 were still on I'd so watch it. My favorite thing to watch on Monday's though is SuperNanny. I watch that with A1 and we make fun of all the people whose kids are hell'yuns.

So that's about all it as far as life around here goes. Oh, I almost forgot, the baby, A2, learned a new word this weekend from his brother and I couldn't be prouder **take note of the sarcasm here**. It's dum da da dum, crap! Yes, that's right my sweet little baby has added the word crap to his ever growing vocabulary along with mom, cat, juice (dooce), dada, ooh oh, spongebob (bob bob), bub, woof, shew, whatareyoudoing, bye bye, beep, and I'm sure a couple more I can't remember right now. Thanks Bubba for being such a great influence, I'm sure he will never say that word at the most inopportune moment while out in public with me. Love ya!

So that's it so far. I have tons more but I think I'll save some of my thoughts as a draft and work on them later. I have got to get up off this couch before my ass print gets permanently embedded and the husband comes home and catches me doing nothing.

Current specs:
1 size away from my favorite jeans - although I love my green cords I just bought!
147 lbs
working out tonight for sure

Is it just me

I was leaving the house today to go pick up A1 from his math team thingy he does on Wednesday's at school when I noticed the neighbors that live about three houses up still have their Christmas decorations up. What the hell is up with that? It's January 10th, take that shit down already and put it away. It's not like it's just the lights or anything like that, it's those big ass blowups. There is a snowglobe with Santa in it and another one that is a carosel spinning around and a tall Santa. I will say this, I realize there are some people who believe they need to keep their decorations up until Little Christmas is over. It's a catholic thing. I can live with that. But I'm pretty sure that was over about four or five days ago.

The sad thing is that it's not like it's freezing ass cold outside and you couldn't blame them for not wanting to get out there and pull up about four stakes and fold those things up. The weather up here has been so crazy that two days ago it was in the freaking 60's! Can you seriously be that busy? It didn't take them that long to plop those things out there. Hell, I don't have that much to do, I'll take em up myself free of charge. It just annoys the piss out of me to see that everyone else in the neighborhood has taken their stuff down and moved on except for this one assclown. So is it just me or does that bother you too?

Couldn't help but post

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Saturday, January 6, 2007

Nevaah Again!

Ok, so I was sitting around last night with the crew and we were enjoying a quiet Friday night at home. Oh, who am I kidding? We were doing our usual nothing but holding down the couches and channel surfing. The kids were pulling off some new WWF smackdown moves on each other and that's pretty much it.

It was getting pretty late, around 11:30 or so, and hubbs got up off the couch. I just assumed he was going to go get ready for bed so I grabbed the remote. Finally, I can watch Days of our Lives!! But he didn't go in the direction of the bedroom. He went to the playroom. That's were every toy known to mankind is housed along with the video games we have amassed. The boys are nosey as the day is long so they followed him to see what was up. Much to my surprise and delight the gaming began.

I said delight because usually I have to be the one up late at night to tuck everyone in and be quiet so hubbs can go to sleep. But tonight was going to be different. Woo hoo for me. I seized the opportunity to turn the TV off. Days can wait, plus I already knew what was going to happen. I was going to go into the bathroom for a little me time! I turned the radio on in there, turned the hot water on full blast and took the most amazing shower ever. That may seem a little mundane to some of you but to me it's the greatest thing ever. I didn't have little eyes mashed up against the shower door watching me or trying to slide it open to freeze me to death. There wasn't going to be any midshampoo phone calls and I could do it for as long as I wanted without the husband coming in asking me if he needs to pump in more water from the Atlantic. He can be a real smartass.

While I was in there I was considering shaving my legs and general landscaping but remembered digging around in my cabinet the other day and seeing some Sally Hansen Cold Wax kit in there. I've carried this thing around for at least three years now but haven't had the gumption to try it out. So I thought what the heck I'll give it a shot. Plus I remember reading on the box that you need to have some growth on your legs for a waxing to really be effective. Since I had enough growth to make Chewbacca jealous, it was now or never. I finished up what I needed to do and dried off. I got the kit out, read the directions and positioned myself upon the sink to give it a whirl. Damn, for some reason the spatula you needed to spread the crap on was missing. I got down and went to look for a popsicle stick. I figured that was easy enough to find and would work. Wrong. There wasn't one to be bought around here.

I looked around and couldn't find anything so I decided the best I could do was use a paint stirrer like they give you at Lowes. For some reason there were two of them in the kitchen drawer. Yeah, hubbs would probably bitch about me using it later but it keeps him young! I repositioned myself, spread a little bit on, pressed the strip on top and yanked. Well, it really wasn't that bad. But to be fair, I only tried a very small spot. I'm talking quarter size here. The stuff said it was to be used cold but I warmed it up a little for my next try. This time it spread a little easier and I did a spot about the size of a full strip they give you. It took me a couple of seconds to build up the nerve but after I did I just gave it a yank.

Muuuuthaaaa Fuuu.....that hurt like no other hurt I have ever experienced in my life! What in the hell was I thinking? There was an intense burning coming from that strip of leg, my eyes were watering and the real kick in the head was that when I looked at the strip, I was not only expecting to see all the hair from my leg on it but a few hunks of meat as well. There were only about a dozen or so hairs on it. I shit you not. All that pain, all that wax and for what? A few hairs here and there. I was expecting to see bare bone when I looked at my leg. Who in their right mind would do this to themselves? Needless to say that ended my waxing experience. I scooped up all the strips, the spatula that I found after I smeared that crap on with my paint stick, and the wax and threw it all back in the box.

Never again will I put myself through that. And to think there are folks out there who get this done on a regular basis. I shudder to think about the girls who get their bikini areas waxed. They have got to be sick. Sally Hansen I wish you had your product shoved up your arse sideways! Give me a Bic and a bar of soap any old day or better yet I don't have a problem with looking like a yeti.

Thursday, January 4, 2007


I would sit down and try to write a little but I've managed to waste the day away doing a whole lot of nothing. Now I have to do a speed cleaning of my house to make it at least appear to my husband that I've been busy all day. I might even get to squeeze a pizza out of him tonight.

I spent most of the day cleaning and vacuuming up the remains of Christmas yesterday. If I seriously see one more strand of tinsel I'm going to lose my mind. That stuff is going to plague me for at least a month or so. It's everywhere! It appears out of nowhere and I don't understand how that happens! If I didn't know any better I'd say the guys were just planting strands here and there to watch me go bat-shit crazy over it. Believe me, they aren't above it.

I've offically fell off the workout wagon. That's not a good thing. I haven't worked out now for almost two weeks. Good thing is that I haven't gained the two little pounds I lost back but I haven't made any more progress either. Why on earth is it so freakin hard to go work out for no more than 20 minutes? Hell I stand around trying to think of something to do for at least that long every day. I'm gonna guess it's a good old fashioned case of L.A.S. I'll let you work on that one.

I'm going to get better and rededicate myself tonight. Can you believe I actually put on a pair of size 8 britches today and they would fasten and it didn't require the jaws of life to get them off??!! Granted I looked like the muffin lady swallowed Joe Camel but it renewed my desire to fit into my cute booty jeans and be able to breath at the same time.

Well, enjoy the little piece I added below. It's really nothing more than filler. Oh crap, I only have an hour before hubbs is home.

Current Specs:
148.6 lbs
2 realistic sizes away from my favorite jeans
gonna work out tonight come hell or high water

Four Things

Four Jobs I've Had
1. Hostess at a restaurant
2. Receptionist for a newspaper
3. Medical Records Clerk at a rehab center
4. Mommy

Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over
1. Grease
2. Slums of Beverly Hills
3. Gone with the Wind
4. Almost Famous

Four Places I've Lived
1. Tennessee
2. Georgia
3. Kentucky
4. Maryland

Four TV Shows I Love
1. Days of our Lives
2. American Idol
3. Desperate Housewives
4. Seinfeld

Four Places I've Vacationed
1. Panama City Beach, Florida
2. Alaska
3. San Diego, California
4. Orlando, Florida

Four of My Favorite Dishes
1. Ham and Pineapple Pizza
2. Macaroni and Cheese (homemade by mom)
3. Chicken Fingers
4. Chicken and Dumplings

Four Sites I Visit Daily
1. Dustin's Days of our Lives page
2. Yahoo
3. Ebay
4. Mrs. False Positive's Blog

Four Places I'd Rather Be Right Now
1. Asleep
2. Hawaii
3. Disneyworld
4. Jamaica

Four Songs Stuck In My Head
1. Spongebob Squarepants theme song
2. Lady Madonna
3. Old McDonald
4. Baby Blue

Four Things I Should Be Doing Other Than This
1. Sorting Laundry
2. Putting Dishes Away
3. Calling my Daddy
4. Feeding the Fish

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Is there a cure for this?

It's official, I have it and there is nothing I can do about it. I've felt it coming on for the last few weeks and my exceptional skills in denial have allowed me to keep it just below the surface until now. I kept telling myself that it was too soon
and that there is no way this could be happening to me but no folks, I have it and it's called pottytrainitus! I'm sure if the people who wrote the DSM IV got wind of my symptoms they would be adding this into their handy dandy manual of mental disorders. This has got to be the single worst experience known to motherhood. Had I pondered too long on the thought of going through this again, I might not have agreed to a second go'round at motherhood when hub-a-dub said he wanted to start trying.

I somehow managed to survive my first bout with A1 back about nine or so years ago. He was a fairly easy child to potty train. It was hot outside and he was more than eager to wet down some trees, the car tires and pretty much anything else around. That child didn't have a shred of modesty and I was utterly embarrassed on more than one occasion! It was a fun little game for him. I can also still picture the pee soaked shoes and endless loads of laundry though and that makes me shudder to think I'm about to go through it all again. The sad thing about all this is that it seems to me that little boys really don't care that they are drenched all over or that they stink to high heaven in their poopy britches. Hey, just give them a few Hotwheels and they are oblivious to their surroundings or stench.

A2 seems to be a little advanced for his age. I was really hoping to wait until he was at least two and a half or even three before this would be an endeavor I had to embark upon. But I guess he's going to be one that potty trains earlier than usual. Yay for me! **note the sarcasm there** Here are just a few of the obvious signs I've picked up on that let me know he's at least ready to be introduced to the idea. I'm kinda hoping I'm off on this but you tell me.

A) If I really watch him while he's playing and bumbling around he will grab the front of his diaper and squeeze. Now I realize he's indeed a boy and that there is a natural fascination to play around in that general area, but if I check him he's usually wet after he does that. This tells me that he is aware that something is going on in there.

B) This child thinks it is hil-freakin-larious to fart on command. He will let out a whopper, turn to see who heard and laugh so hard at himself. We usually are laughing so hard too at this point and that makes him want to do it again. He will then bend slightly at the knees, poke his little butt out, and strain until he gets at least a couple more out. Afterwards he will either wave his arm in front of his nose and say "shew" or pull his shirt up like we do to cover his nose. This tells me that he can somewhat control his bodily functions and understand what happens when he does certain, strain hard = fart loudly.

C) After he drops a load in his pants he will, on most occasions if no one is around to bear witness to the grunts and increased redness around the eyes, come up to me and wave his arms in front of his nose to let me know he is "shew shew". This tells me he doesn't want that mess on him and knows it's time for fresh pants.

D) He knows exactly where to go when I say that I need to go potty. He will either beat me to the toilet or be right on my heals as I'm headed that way. I can't remember the last time I've gone to the bathroom alone. Usually when I go in there is when the problems of the world need to be solved and a thousand questions are asked of me from the other side. Or if heaven forbid I'm gone for more than a couple minutes the freaking search and rescue team is out looking for me. I either have the husband or A1 opening to door to ask what I'm doing. (I'm baking cookies in here what the hell else could I be doing....seriously give me a moment here!!) But I digress. As for A2, he's stood over me on hundreds of occasions now and loves to get the tissue for me and to flush. Now I really thought it was cute that he was trying to flush the first couple dozen times he did it. He would wedge himself between me and the wall to get to the flusher. He couldn't really do it that great in the beginning and needed my help. But now that he can do it all by himself I have the pleasure of a cold spray of water on my ass at least three to four times before I can get finished with what I'm doing. There are even times when he waves that stubby little arm of his while I'm in there to inform me that I am "shew". Thanks buddy, I really need that!!

So there it is, just a few observations I've made over the past few weeks. I'm not saying he's ready for the Spongebob underoos just yet but it is pretty safe to say that I'm about to enter into the not so fun part of being a mommy. I feel the chills running up and down my spine. I have this nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach and the only true thing I can attribute it to is indeed pottytrainitus. Is there a shot or a pill I can take for this?