Thursday, January 11, 2007

It hit the fan, the bed, the floor, my arm, etc....

I like to think of myself as a pretty good mom. I'm not the best there is but pretty good. I have my off days where I would rather take a nap than play a game or change poppy pants but for the most part I love love love being a mom. But you know there are occasions, albeit rare, when I would like to take A1 and A2 to Wal-mart, plop them in a buggy right outside the doors and hang a sign around them that says "FREE TO GOOD HOME"!

The other day was one of those days. A1 and A2 were hanging out here with me and the husband doing normal everyday chores. A2 kept bugging me for a drink of my Dr. Pepper so much that I decided to divert his attention elsewhere and give him his own drink. I didn't want to give him milk because I'm trying to get this child to start eating real food again. He's gotten so picky these days that he won't eat much outside Fruit Loops and corn dogs. Nutritional I know. Anyway, we had some apple juice in the fridge so I gave him a cup full. It was about an eight to nine ounce cup. No harm right?

I told A1 that I was going to go downstairs for a little bit to try to find something in the closet down there. He said he'd keep an eye on A2. Hubby and I were probably down there for half and hour when I hear the gate start chirping. I just assumed their curiosity got the best of them and they had to come see what we were doing. Right and wrong.

The next thing I hear is A1 gagging and saying "mom, the baby has shew pants!!!". Great. He comes around the corner holding the baby out at arms length as if he was some sort of biotoxin. He proceded to tell me that he was playing with the baby and heard an awful noice coming from his britches. Oh man, this won't be pretty. Now keep in mind the downstairs isn't usually a place in which we change diapers so I had to send A1 back upstairs for supplies. Stinky baby wanting to play on the floor while waiting for brother to come back isn't a fun scenario. Hubby came around the corner to see what was going on and couldn't get away fast enough before I reminded him it was his turn to change. We share poopy duty. ***woo hoo on that one*** I was glad it was his turn because that poor child had crap from one end to the other. He had it on his legs, oozing out the diaper on the sides and in the front, on his shirt, at this point on the bed, and on his socks. This was going to take more than one person so I had to help.

We got him all cleaned up and stripped down and went back upstairs. The room was too stinky for me to continue what I was doing. I figured I'd give it a little bit to air out. The boys and I decide to see if we could find any Spongebob on television. While looking through the guide I hear this horrible gurgle coming from the direction of the baby and his train table. That didn't sound good at all. I didn't smell anything so I let it go. About two minutes later I hear it again and this time A2 shoots me a look and starts waving that little arm of his and saying "shew". Aww shit.

Here we go again. I scoop the baby up, go into the bathroom to grab a towel, yell at A1 to get a diaper and the wipes and plop him on the bed. More of the same but this time more like condensed pea soup. I'm thinking what is wrong with my baby!!??!! I told A1 to go get hubs from downstairs. I was thinking we were seriously going to have to be quarantined due to the frikkin' ebola virus or something. It was just a matter of time before we all start doing what the baby was doing. Got him cleaned up again and went back to the living room.

We were ok for about half and hour and then there is was, that dreaded gurgle sound coming from the direction of the baby. How in the hell could he have anything left inside him?? He's already shit out half his body weight by this point. But there it was another diaper load. By this point hub-a-dub is NOWHERE to be found, A1's eyes were watering from laughter and the overwhelming stench and I had to change him all alone. Luckily there wasn't that much this time and it didn't get everywhere. I get him all clean, his third outfit on him and set him down to run and play. I'm still trying to run through my head all the stuff he had to eat and wondering what in the hell is causing my baby to crap his everloving brains out.

This is where the truth comes out. I'm in the living room spraying air freshener all around when A1 comes around the corner and says to me, "I guess I shouldn't have given him that extra bottle of apple juice." I stop spraying in midstream, look at him and say, "are you shitting me??? you gave him a refill!!!" No freaking wonder! He proceeded to tell me that while we were downstairs the baby sucked down the first cup of juice and wanted more so he filled it back up for him. That means A2 had about 17 to 18 ounces of apple juice in one sitting. Hell, I'd shit my brains out if I had that much apple juice.

Here I was thinking my entire family was going to be stricken down by ebola and all along A1 was pumping the baby full of pretty much liquid laxitive!!

New house rules:
1. NOONE BUT ME is allowed to give the baby apple juice.
2. You give him juice without my permission, you clean the mess alone!

So you see, there are days in which I, being the self proclaimed pretty good mom that I am, would love nothing more than to take a short trip to Wal-mart with the guys and come back with nothing more in my hands than a big bottle of bubble bath.