Spring has Sprung

Warning: This will be long and you may want to schedule a bathroom break somewhere around paragraph 300!

Thank the good Lord above that spring is finally here! This has been one hell of a winter and I'm happy to see it get it's ass out of here. It's not so much the weather that's been bad because I live in an area that doesn't get a lot of winter precipitation in the form of snow thank goodness or they'd have to shut the whole town down every freaking year til spring.

Seriously, people around here see one or two snowflakes fall from the sky and they go bat shit crazy, they call school off, close down the churches, and sell out every loaf of bread within a 50 mile radius. The weather has pretty much fluctuated and I can deal with that even though I do hate to be cold. It's just that I've got a case of cabin fever to the Nth degree and I'm ready to pull my freaking hair out!

I'm officially diagnosing myself with SAD - seasonal affective disorder. That's where otherwise normal (I use that term loosely on myself) people suffer with depression like symptoms that appear during late fall or early winter and go away during the warmer, sunnier days of spring and summer.

Symptoms include and I'll add my examples to prove it's real for me:
A. Depression - Well yeah, why else would I be writing about it?!

B. Hopelessness - Not so much but just a tinge since that usually follows closely behind depression. I will say that it doesn't take much for me to just say frigg it when things don't quite work out the way I want them to around this time of year.

C. Anxiety - Definitely have this, I feel like the walls are closing in on me all the time. There are days in which I feel like my insides are quivering because I don't know what to do with myself.

D. Loss of energy - I'm prone to laziness anyway but right now it's friggin magnified to the point of being almost ridiculous and embarrassing.

E. Social withdrawal - Little bit, I've tried to force myself to go to my MOPS (moms of preschoolers) meetings but that's just the thing, I have to force myself to go when I should look forward to it. I skipped bible study last night and justified it by playing up a stuffy nose. Lame.

F. Oversleeping - I'd sleep until noon everyday if I didn't have anybody to answer to or my husband wouldn't call me every morning to make sure I'm up. I'm a night owl by nature but come on, how can I possibly feel good about sleeping half the day away?

G. Loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed - Talk to my husband about this one. Not to mention the fact that I don't even halfway care if my house is as clean as I normally like to keep it. I'm typically anal about cleaning certain parts of my house every week but for the past two and a half months, not so much. It's a good week if I've managed to clean my toilets once. How gross is that? I usually clean them every other day or for sure no longer than two days in between. I seriously contemplated hovering in A1's bathroom the other day when I went in there to use his toilet.

H. Appetite changes, especially a craving for foods high in carbohydrates - I'm embarrassed to admit the amount of junk I've hauled into my cake hole in the past couple of months. I eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and don't even care. I'm pretty sure I polished off an entire container of those melty pastel party mints all by myself. In about a week. Well I think A1 may have snuck a couple of hand fulls but I pretty much jammed the rest down my throat mixed with salty as can be peanuts. Did I mention it was the Sam's Club size and not the little bitty containers either. Pathetic I know. There are a ton of other things I could list here that I've eaten like there was no tomorrow but I'll save myself just a wee bit of dignity.

I. Weight gain - See H. above. Any hopes I had of reaching my goal weight went to piss as soon as January 1 rolled around. I was doing so good there for a while. I was working out, watching what I ate, slowly but surely loosing a little bit of weight and then BAM it all changed. I was so proud of myself when I saw the 138 on the scale that I was hootin' and hollerin' about reaching my goal before my daddy but guess who's fat ass rounded the scale out about a month ago at 148? That would be me. I have to admit that was one night when I jumped on the scale with all my clothes on and it was at about midnight. I'm pretty sure I'd just sucked down a coke and probably three Ho-Ho's. I weighed the next morning and it said 144 and it's been that same 144-145 pretty much every since. Seven pounds isn't much in the big scheme of things but it's a hell of a lot when I can no longer button up a pair of jeans I was wearing back during Christmastime. Blarch!!

J. Difficulty concentrating and processing information - This is the real kicker. I can't remember shit. Of course that's pretty much consistent the whole year long but when I'm walking from the kitchen to the bathroom to get something and can't remember what the hell I'm doing in the bathroom once I get there, that's pretty sad. I've gotten to where I'll start two or three projects at a time, not because I'm trying to multitask or be extra productive but because I forget what the hell I was doing right in the middle of something and just start on something else.

It probably doesn't help that I've fed my brain nothing but mindless nonsense for the past two and a half months. It's no secret I've been watching Charmed for about three weeks straight. I'm trying to keep up with Survivor, American Idol (I like the dreadlocks kid and can't stand the gasper kid) and I'm sucked into Big Brother like some crackhead needing a fix. Am I losing my mind or what? Maybe I just need to turn the television off and get a life or maybe just some fresh air. I'm positive some light therapy would do me good but where am I suppose to get that? Who has time for the tanning bed when there is so much TV to watch?? (Are you sensing my pattern here?)

A2 and I played outside for almost two hours today and that felt wonderful. We drew on the driveway with chalk and chased each other around in circles so we could put chalk slashes on each others clothes and skin that was exposed. I'm not sure but I'd say we had more chalk on us than we did on the driveway.

So my solution to all of this is as follows. I've decided to make a list since I've also diagnosed myself with OCD and I love lists, and I've given myself 60 days to accomplish at least 10 things on this list. I read somewhere that it takes doing something for 21 days before it becomes a habit. I've given myself well over 21 days and I'm praying that I can stick to something and feel better about myself.

Here's my list. There are 20 things on my list so it gives me plenty of options to pick from or if I screw it up more things to feel shitty about, we'll see how it goes in 60 days.

These are in no particular order and I'll be sure to let you know which ones I accomplish as I'm working on them.

1. Find an online school program for me to enroll in.

2. Devote time for just me and A1. I spend so much time with A2 during the day that I feel like A1 gets the shaft sometimes. This could mean just playing a game with him one or two nights a week just the two of us.

3. Form a workout routine. Something that I can stick to and do on my own without feeling like I need to rely on anybody else to motivate me.

4. Spend no money on my credit cards that isn't a necessity. In other words leaving the $2 pair of jeans or capris at Old Navy even though it's a friggin awesome deal and I can get them in three different colors.

5. Sew two sock monkeys. I've made one for both boys but I've wanted to make a girl and boy monkey for myself for almost three years now but haven't done it.

6. Make it a point to call my mother in law at least three times just to be polite.
But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.
—Luke 6:27-31. NIV
Something tells me this just might be the hardest one of all.

7. Organize all the closets in this house. Not just mine in my bedroom that is overflowing from all those "amazing deals". There's the two closets in the front room, A2's, A1's that he will flip out when I go in there, the one in the playroom that has toys teetering all the way up to the ceiling, and the one in the spare room downstairs that I can't even step into. We just have too much junk and I'm notorious for stuffing it all in a closet if I can't find anything else to do with it.

8. Clean up the landscaping in the front of the house. During the winter months leaves have collected in there, weeds have sprung up and it looks down right white trashy. I want to trim all the hedges and get some new mulch put down to make it at least appear from the outside we aren't on the verge on condemnation or whatever it's called when they shut down a place due to lack of upkeep. I could do a before and after shot to show my progress if I pull this one off.

9. Spend at least 30 minutes a day reading my bible. Who couldn't benefit from a little Jesus in their life? I've actually got a head start on this one. I've been working on it for the past couple of weeks. I may not get it every day but I haven't gone more than two days yet.

10. Have dinner ready every night by 6:30. Hubby is NEVER home at the same time every night and there are some nights when I have call him a hundred times to see when he's going to be on his way. I try to wait until I know he's at least on the way or sometimes til he gets home to make something. That shit's for the birds. It forces me and A1 to the verge of starvation some nights and I'm starting to think that because we get so hungry waiting on hubby to get home we overeat. My new philosophy is going to be if you're here to eat at 6:30 that's perfect and if you ain't then it'll heat up nicely in the microwave.

11. Teach A2 his ABC's. Why not? He'll be 3 in July and if he can name every single one of his Cars the movie cars, and he has exactly 51 of them, then he can learn something useful like the alphabet. He's making progress on his numbers even though he counts everything like this: 1, 2, 4, 9, 6, 4, 9, 6.

12. Work harder on potty training A2. He's making real progress here too but it would be nice for him to be a little more consistent. For some reason there are days in which he thinks it's hilarious to find a hiding spot and drop a deuce then come running for me to chase him down to change his stinky butt.

13. Wake up no later than 8 a.m. every morning. Hubby would prefer I get up when he does and make him breakfast but that goes along with the saying about what people in hell want. I've always been a late sleeper and it's because I stay up late every night. I seriously need to break the habit and be more productive in the morning rather than late in the evening. I will say I've gotten better over the years. I usually wake up around 9:30 or so these days if I don't have to take A2 to preschool or I'm not awakened by A1 or hubby rambling around but there are some days when it kills me to drag myself out of bed. Once I get this going I may try the whole waking up to make breakfast thing. No guarantees though.

14. Clean the fish tank downstairs. We have one goldfish left out of about six that we bought about six or seven years ago and this sucker just won't croak. He's been through about three moves and I'm pretty sure he's blind in both eyes. The cat ate two of them and the rest have just slowly died off but not this one. He lives in a five gallon take that we keep downstairs and I'm guessing the stupid thing hasn't been cleaned out in over a year. I'm the only one who feeds him and I just keep adding water to his tank. The front of it is covered in green sludge and I know those rocks have about three pounds of fish poop buried in them. This is one of those chores that I despise with every ounce of my being. I'd rather eat my weight in sweet potatoes than clean out a stinky fish tank. FYI - the smell alone of sweet potatoes make me gag.

15. Get A2 to start sleeping in his own bed. You may remember this one from my New Year's Resolutions list. I figure I could either actually get him to sleep in his own bed or keep adding this to my damn lists until he's about 12 and decides he's too cool or too big to still be sleeping in the bed right up against me with his feet firmly planted within my ribcage.

16. Give away or sell our old clothes. I've got about four boxes full of clothes I dug out of our closets about a year ago. I did give most of A1's clothes to the two little boys that live next door so that helped. I have mounds of A2's clothes that I need to do something with. I literally have every stitch of clothing this child has owned in his short two and a half years. You may not think that's a lot but you forget or should know I'm an Old Navy and Gap whore and there are times in which I show zero self restraint (read: pretty much every single time I step inside either place). He has some stuff that he may have only worn once or twice at the most.

17. Work on relations with the hubby. Nuff said. My family reads this. Gross.

18. Read and review two books. I fill my brain with so much junk that I think it would do good to turn off the television and read something. I'm sure my brain would appreciate it since it's been a while since I've actually forced it to do something worthwhile. Any suggestions on what I should read?

19. Blog at least three or four times a week. I've also said this one before too but it's so easy to put off blogging til the next day. Unfortunately the next day usually ends up being about two weeks from the last post every single time. That's where these long ass posts like this one come into play. I have tons of stuff to blog about but by the time I actually sit down to do it I've forgotten everything I wanted to write about and end up babbling on mindlessly like I am right now. Writing is actually cathartic for me and I feel so much better after I've written something.

20. This one is purely self indulgent. I want to get myself a manicure and a pedicure but not just because. I actually want to accomplish something before I do it. I'd like to add the stipulation of losing 15 pounds before I treat myself but we all know how that would end. Oh what the hell, if I lose 15 pounds then I think I deserve a full set of nails and a nice pedicure. That would mean I would need to see 129 on the scale for at least two days in a row before I can make the appointment since I'm at 144 as of right now. My absolute target is to see 125. I'd be thrilled if I could keep my weight from now on in between 125 and 130.

Well there you have it. I've changed the look of my blog so that it's springy and happy and I'm hoping to change the overall big picture of my life. Contrary to what you've just read I've got too much going for me to be stuck in this rut. I'm ready to get off my anus and turn things around. I've even reset my blog counter so I can keep up with all three of you that read my ramblings. Feel free to make comments and if you'd like to jump on board with me then more power to ya!!

I'll try to update after the weekend. I do still have some Charmed to finish watching. I'm already feeling anxious because I won't know how to act without having seasons 5-8 to watch. I'm sure I'll be suffering from full blown Charmed DT's come Monday. That should be fun to write about!

Happy Easter to all of you out there!!

By the way, this is way too long to go back and proof so as I like to say, point and laugh at any mistakes in spelling and grammar you find.

P.S. You may have noticed a couple of extra boxes on my sidebar over there ---------------------------> It's something new I'm trying so how about clicking on them every now and then to help a girl out! I know you like searching for stuff so why not do it from here. I'd love ya for it!!