Toxic Friends

Have you ever heard your phone ringing and knew in the pit of your stomach you didn't want to answer it even before you looked at the screen to see who was calling? If so you must be like me and have what I like to refer to as toxic friends.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that everyone has at least one and if you can't think of one then maybe you need to step back and ask yourself if YOU are the toxic one.

Some toxic friends are generally hard to spot and can start out as really great but once the honeymoon phase of the friendship is over that's when they shed their mask and their true colors shine through. Other toxic friends stick out like a sore thumb and it's pretty apparent they are chronically miserable and will stop at nothing to suck everyone around them into their black hole of misery.

Why am I talking about this?

My phone rang the other day and ONE of my toxic friends was on the line. I saw the name pop up on the screen and against my better judgment I hit answer instead of ignore. I haven't heard from her in a couple of years and thought it would be nice to catch up with her a little bit. I now realize I would have been better off had I dropped the phone in the toilet and punched myself in the face repeatedly for about 10 minutes.

This particular toxic friend (TF from here on out) as a rule never calls to see how things are going with me or to ask how the boys are doing. She usually starts right in on her woe is me routine and her never ending string of ailments that apparently have no cure. Most new diseases and mental illnesses get their origin with this chick if you actually buy into everything she says. I was hoping this conversation wouldn't go down that road since it had been a while since we talked and when she's in good spirits is fun to talk to.

It did.

TF started the conversation with a snarky "so you DO actually know how to answer the phone, usually I get your voicemail."

Inside my head: What a great start. Moron.

TF: "Well I just got off the phone with my boss and I now have to quit my job because my feet are so messed up and he won't let me have the days off I want." "I had this thing come up on the side of my toe and it hurt so bad I couldn't stand for all that many hours without being in so much pain."

Inside my head: I'm sure it's just a corn or a callus but by the time you went online and followed one of those self diagnosis flow charts it's morphed into plantar fasciitis. Just another excuse for you to quit job number 346,678,112 and have everyone feel sorry for you because deep down you just don't want to work.

TF: "Get this, boyfriend 1 found out three days ago about boyfriend 2 and he called the police on me to get out of the house." "I would go live with boyfriend 2 but he still hasn't kicked that dumb bitch of a girlfriend out yet. "I know she's cheating on him." "He deserves so much better than that."

Inside my head, still, because she hasn't stopped for air since I said hello: Are you serious? Can you hear yourself talking??!?

TF: "Oh, guess who's pregnant?"

Screaming inside my head: PLEASE GOD DON'T LET IT BE YOU. Two is enough!

TF: "My daughter.....again." "She met some boy (yes, boy) at the movies a few weeks ago and they hit it off so good." "He's a real sweetheart and he is so good with the baby."

Inside my head: Did she just say she met him a few weeks ago?

Ok, let me just add here that TF is talking about her 17 year old daughter who has a child already that was born premature and has real health issues. That baby should be about two years old now since that's around the last time I talked to her.

ME: "Wow, when you call with news you make it worth the effort." "Where does she live, how is the baby?" "Where do you live?" "Did you know that I no longer live in the same state as you?"

TF: "WHAT?" "Where are you?" "I was waiting to catch up a little bit more with you but I was hoping to come stay with you for a few days until boyfriend 2 can get that slut out of our house." "My mom said I couldn't stay with her, so what am I suppose to do now?"

Inside my head: She said "our" house. Wonder if she can spell delusional? Has she forgotten who I am married to or the fact that I can only take her in small doses? Didn't she just turn 38 in October?

TF: "Well, I guess I better go you wouldn't happen to have Friend 1 or Friend 2's phone numbers would you?"

ME: "No I sure don't, I guess I lost them in the move." (I lied.)

TF: "OK, well bye."

I never got the word bye out of my mouth before she hung up. Now I realize that my thoughts inside my head were not nice but I've known TF for about eight years now and all of our conversations pretty much go the same way. Only on a manic day will she actually ask about me or just talk about random things other than how the world had taken a big shit right on her head.

I met her when I met Friend 1 and Friend 2 years ago. The three of them knew each other long before I came along and none of them were very close. I was sort of the catalyst that brought our little group together. My first impression of TF was that she seemed like a pretty cool person but had this perpetual scowl. That should have been my first clue but I'm a sucker.

I'm going to let the cat out of the bag here and let you know that I'm really a softie at heart. Damn, there goes all my street cred, but I like to help people and I'm a magnet for people with issues. I went into the field of psychology for this reason. I like talking and listening and trying to help people when things look bleak. I'm a pretty good judge of character and can more often than not figure out the root and lay it out there in the open.

I draw the line with people who talk and talk and ask for help and when it's given or suggested they make NO efforts to change. They would rather wallow. TF is a wallower.

She didn't call me to see what was new or to talk about what's been going on with either of us she cut right to the chase. I knew what she wanted as soon as the second sentence was out of her mouth. It was pretty much cemented by the third. In summery, she quit her job, had no money, boyfriend was no longer going to foot the bill for her so she wants pity money from me.

She must have had a rare break in the synaptic misfiring and realized that I was the wrong person to ask flat out about money so she continued on with her story. It wasn't until I let her know that I no longer live near her that she needed to go so abruptly. I purposefully fed her that tidbit of information because the conversation needed to be over. I couldn't do anything for her and I could hear that she was mentally crossing me off the list.

Oh and that bit about wanting to stay with me was total bullshit on her part. She probably would have come over but only if she thought she could squeeze something out of me. My guess is she will be driving by boyfriend 1 and boyfriend 2's houses watching their every move until she gets bored with that and decides to drive by ex-husband 2's house to see if she can catch his new wife outside so she can scream profanities at her. She more or less just needed gas money. If she was hungry I would have fed her. If the baby needed food I would have gotten some. I don't hand out cash. She knows this and had to get off the phone.

Had she called and asked for advice or just needed to talk about things then it would have been different but when it was apparent I wasn't going to get a word in and that she wasn't even asking for me to talk that she just wanted a handout from me I cut it short. Besides I've talked to this girl so much that it's apparent that she doesn't want to change. She thrives on negative attention and will continue in this vicious circle until she decides enough is enough.

The conversation was over in 3 minutes and 44 seconds but it felt like 3 hours and 44 minutes.

The saddest thing that came from that conversation is the fact that it made me take stock of some of the people in my life and I can think of about three others who are just as toxic but in their own way. I'm serious when I say I'm a magnet to this crap.

It's no secret that I come straight out of toxicity. My own mother is the poster child for toxic. It's no wonder I was drawn to the field of psychology. I had to find a way to pick myself up from my own jacked up childhood and figure out a way to stop being a wallower myself and discover the wonders of self esteem. It's not and was not an easy task but I personally know it CAN be done. I have another toxic friend that is so sneaky in their toxic ways that she actually burned me a couple of times. I forget and say things to her that in the end have come back to bite me on the ass.

There is also one other female I have in my life that is so full of disdain for anyone who does not think the way she thinks or does things quite the way she wants them done that she will blast them without once thinking about their feelings. This person expects everyone around her to conform to her way of thinking and if they don't she personally diagnoses them with a mental illness. Regular Anna Freud that one. She is partial to no one either. She will lambaste her own children. To their face and to each other. I hope to never be filled with so much self loathing that I have to project it onto my friends and family.

Don't get me wrong. Nobody is perfect, we all grouse and complain. I've never known anyone so happy with their life that they have cheerful rainbows shooting out of their ass. If I did I would be wary of them. We all have bad days or months or hell, even bad years but when that turns into constant negativity and every thing that happens is interpreted as the worst possible situation ever it's toxic.

There are days where things rub me the wrong way and I'm in full on bitch mode but I've learned to recognize it and turn it off when I see it is starting to take a toll on those around me. I've had days where I've been on the verge of tears for no apparent reason but it doesn't make me feel any better to make the people around me feel as though I need to climb upon a soapbox and put on my doomsayer robe to drag them down as well. It takes effort.

Maybe it was good I answered the phone the other day. Since it's apparent I suck at keeping a whole list of resolutions, I will make just one to stay away from toxic people in the new year because whether you like it or not they get to you and bring you down.

My proof: This post. That phone call was at least five days ago and here I am still letting it get to me.

Do you have toxic friends/family? How do you deal with them? Do you cringe when you see certain names on your caller ID?

Remind me to send flowers to the genius who invented that little gem!