Sunday, April 6, 2008

Dammit, Janet!!

It's no secret that I'm a slacker but I will be the first to pat myself on the back right about now because my lazy ass worked out Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and today! Go fat girl, Go fat girl, GO!!

Of course there are a couple of things I have to share about my workout experience this week. The first is that after three months of not working out I am one sore sucka right now even though I tried to start out slow. My arms feel like they are about to fall off. I was trying to eat a bowl of cereal for supper tonight (read: husband is out of town so stove is officially on vacation w00t!!) and I had to prop it up on my boobs because they felt so shaky. How sad is that??!! I'm a mess. Sad thing is I only worked out on the Blowflex O'doom on Wednesday and the rowing machine at the gym on Friday. The same rowing machine that almost caused me to lose my membership along with my dignity and I'm not kidding. Well, maybe just a little about the membership thing.

Here's the story. Hubby called me Friday afternoon and asked me to meet him at the gym because he'd had a crappy day. I got up there and we worked out side by side on this elliptical type thing for about 30 minutes. About 10 minutes into it I was about to pass the hell out but there was an older lady (at least upper 60s maybe even 70) on the one beside me and her timer said she'd been there for 27 minutes and counting. WTF?? She was rockin' it and I couldn't let some old lady show me up. How embarrassing would that have been? Apparently not as embarrassing as what would happen next.

I stuck it out for 30 whole minutes and was pretty pumped since after the first 17 minutes I just went numb and by the time I was finished the ground felt like it was moving but I did it! Luckily they have those TV plug ins and you can watch as you work out and it makes the time go by quicker. I watched the end of the news and then Wheel of Fortune came on. When we finished with that Hubby said he was going over to the weights for about 30 minutes and asked if I was coming. My answer was no thanks dear (read: Are you fucking kidding me??!! I'm going to have to crawl out of here as it is but love you anyway. You go get your Hans and Franz on. I'll be cheering from the side over here watching the rest of Wheel.).

Since I wasn't feeling the treadmill, I spotted the rowing machine tucked away against the wall in behind the treadmills and in front of the stair climbing things. Apparently Fridays are slow so there wasn't a soul on anything even remotely close to the rowing machine at the time. I'd never used one like that before and figured that since nobody was around I could try it and if I couldn't figure it out then no harm no foul I'd just get the hell off of it and never ever go near it again.

Turns out a freaking chimp could work the stupid thing so off I went. I was rowing on that thing like a Cuban refugee only I was watching Wheel of Fortune and listening to my iPod because the rowing machine didn't have the TV plug in thing. Next thing I know I'm solving puzzles and working up a sweat but at some point I notice this strange thing going on with my head. It dawned on me that I had completely forgotten just where the hell I was because not only was my head bobbing from side to side like some crazed lunatic but I was also singing. Out loud. In public. Oh. My. Hell. Want to know what I was singing?


Now tell me who can listen to this and NOT cop an attitude? You know your head was bobbing as your ass was singing along just then. Don't lie.

This probably wouldn't have been that bad if A. I could somewhat sing and it didn't sound like dogs fucking or B. I was singing in a low inaudible tone WITHOUT the head movements but OH NO. I was singing like my ass was alone in the shower. Thankfully I realized what I was doing and I immediately stopped. Since I wasn't sure how long that shit had been going on I did the only thing I knew to do. Turn around slowly to see if anyone was around and of course there was. Apparently a middle aged couple had come in at some point in behind me on the stair climbers. Hell, I'm just guessing they were middle aged, I never looked them in the face all I saw was sneakers. Two damn pairs. I then tried to gather my composure, got up, walked over to where my husband was and kissed him goodbye. I had to get the hell out of there fast.

There are just certain songs that no matter where I am I feel the need to sing along and it happens every single time no matter what. It's almost as if I have no control over myself and I have to sing. Luckily I am alone most of the time or in the car where it doesn't matter that I'm the only one there that thinks I sound like a rock star (read: delusional).

I guess I should be thankful it wasn't this:

I SO would have been singing along and I'm pretty sure would have been kicked out over that one.


MadWoman said...

Ahahahah! I thought I was the only idiot to get caught doing this! Thank goodness there's two of us.

You had my almost peeing my pants laughing from that one. And by the way, if I ever hear you've been singing Jimmy Buffett out loud in the gym, I'll HELP them throw you out! If I could find you that is.

Thanks for popping by my blog-o-world today!

Heather said...

Dee Dee, you've cracked me up once again! I do this in the grocery store all the time. My husband doesn't get embarrassed anymore. Last night I was taking laundry into my daughter's room and she was playing Britney Spears so I was dancing around and she made me get out of her room. Kids!

DeeDee said...

hey madwoman! I enjoyed your blog I was laughing at your description of the broom closet chick! The only way I can guarantee no singing of Buffett would be to remove him completely from my iPod and no self respecting parrothead could ever do that!

Oh Heather dear I can picture that! I have to say I can show some restraint in the grocery store because I can actually hear myself but with those earbuds cranked up in my ears I can't hear myself fart and tend to sing a little, no make that a LOT louder than I should!

Side note: do you or do you not put your hands up to your boobs and twist every time you hear Toxic start? Don't know what I'm talking about then YouTube it!! Just another embarrassing thing I do but funny thing about husband does it too and it's a hoot!! Don't worry you don't have to watch the whole thing, just up to about the 51 second mark!

Heather said...

Holy hell, that was the song she was playing in her room! LOL No I don't play with the tatas, but I try to dance all sexy-like so it grosses her out.

Jenny said...

Am laughing SO HARD at the Hans and Franz line!! Great story.

Thanks for visiting my blog too.

Donna said...

Cracking me up lil sis! I laughed so hard I was blowin' bubbles! It's beautiful here today and windows are open so no telling what the neighbors think.

DeeDee said...

Hi Sissy! So happy you dropped in. I was wondering how you would recover from staying up a whole 10 minutes past your bedtime last night on the phone with me. (((hugs)))