Tuesday, January 29, 2008

If You Sit Very Still

It's no secret that I'm struggling with my fat girl issues. Granted I no longer look in the mirror and cringe since I have managed to lose at least a little bit of the weight but I still see some jiggle that I'd love nothing more for it to just leave my fucking thighs and ass and stomach get the picture, already!

For the past month or so I've tried to be good and cut out all forms of Coca-Cola and other sugary drinks and be more aware of how much I put into my mouth. But, it's days like today that the skinny girl trapped inside my fat girl body struggling to come back out wants to reach out and kick that fat bitch in the crotch and ask her what in the hell are you doing??!!

Let me 'splain.

If you read my recent post then you know that A2 has been sick as a dog for well over a week. He's finally feeling better and back to his mischievous, bazillion question asking old self. He actually went to preschool yesterday, had a great time, and was begging me to take him back today as we drove by it to run some errands.

Anyway, the other night the doctor called in some medicine for him to our local Sam's club and the hubby drove by there to pick it up. My guess is that they didn't have it ready by the time he got there so he had time to browse a few aisles that he SHOULD NOT HAVE.

Not only did he bring the baby his medicine but he also brought home this:

What the hell? Is he begging for a divorce??!!

Notice that there are 10 (ten (english), diez (spanish), dix (french), zehn (german) you get the damn message!!) sleeves, each containing 14 cookies, inside this box. I didn't question it when he came in and in hindsight I'm pretty sure it's because I was in a state of delirium and it never fully registered until today.....five days later.

Now out of those 10 sleeves there are six left. That's not too bad, three sleeves divided between four people in six days, since we opened one that night and have munched on them a little at a time. More so over the weekend. I did very good because I wouldn't eat over two at a time until yesterday when the boys and I each shared three a piece while playing us some Wii. The serving size is actually three cookies so I felt like I was doing pretty damn good by not overdoing it. I mean come on, it's freaking Oreos!

It is here dear reader that I'd like for you to pause and go back up to the previous paragraph and do the math. I'll wait......(humming Jeopardy theme song in my head).

That's correct ten minus four equals six and I said that THREE sleeves had been divided between the four of us. What happened to that one rogue sleeve you ask?

I ate that fucker all by myself within the time span of 15 minutes. And it was gooouuuoood!!!

So that faint sound you hear off in the distance if you sit very still is the sound of my ass cheeks expanding and the massive gas bubble that's brewing inside my tummy.

Don't be alarmed when you hear the loud boom'll be me finally farting or my stomach exploding.

By the way, don't tell the husband that I ate that sleeve all by myself or I'll totally deny it and A1 will be forced to take the fall. I'm not above blaming him again one bit.

Gotta run, the Mom-Of-The-Year committee is calling me....or is it the toilet??


Kris said...

I've eaten an entire sleeve of oreos before. I felt so dirty afterwards. And not the good kind of dirty either.

But don't lose all of the jiggle!! Some jiggle is good.