Monday, May 19, 2008

Adventures in Birth Control

Yep, if you're a little squeamish you might not want to read this because I'm going there...I'm looking at you daddy and any other male who may have stumbled across this little gem even though I know you're going to read it anyway. Don't say I didn't warn you, sucka!

So, earlier this month I had the pleasure of going for that yearly, strip down to nothing, sit here uncomfortably in this lovely two piece PAPER outfit for at least half and hour, then slide your ass down to the veeerrry edge of this cold hard table while some stranger tries to scrape the back of my tonsils my nether regions using a seriously cold duck like contraption and a Q-tip the length of a football field, all while making odd small talk about the weather, checkup. Big fun. Can't wait til next year to get to do it all over again.

Oh wait, I decided to start taking birth control pills so I get to do it all over again. In two weeks. Yippiefuckin'skippie!

I've never taken birth control pills in my life so why all of a sudden start now?

It's all because of my husband. He has been on this kick lately (read: for the past who freaking knows how long) bitching and complaining about my current form of birth control which is pretty much 100% effective. Seriously, why mess with a good thing?

My current birth control has no risk of weight gain, no messy clean up, no needles, and no sticky patches or pills that I have to worry about forgetting to take. It's pretty much perfect. For me.

He does the same thing night after night and it works like a charm.

He comes in and asks if he's getting lucky and I give him the same answer just about every time.
Side Note: My husband is the LAST person you would want to bring along with you on a trip to Vegas. Just sayin'.

So because all of his bitching and moaning is really getting old and mostly because, let's face it, I'm trying to do better and not be so selfish, I've decided to bite the bullet and switch methods. Gawh!

Plus I love the guy, he takes good care of us, and frankly the dude could use some serious stress relief. I'm afraid his head is going to pop off any minute now from all the built up tension or built up something! And I got to thinkin', switching birth control is a lot easier than getting a divorce or havin' to cut-a-bitch 'cause he's done gone and drug home some floozy.

I like to think ahead.

Luckily you get to tag along for the journey. I take my first pill tonight and hope to document any changes in my body and overall attitude. For all of you experts out there, yes, I know I'm suppose to wait for a Sunday start but Doc said I could do a Monday start if I wanted. So I'll be taking Yaz because it's apparently got a lower dosage and isn't such a shock to the system.

Plus it helps with PMS.

When I told my husband that part I could literally hear the heavens parting his brain and angels singing hallelujah from inside! I'm not joking.

Also, the side effects seems to be a little less harsh than some. I usually don't like to read the side effects when it comes to medicine because I figure a lot of that crap is all in your head and the less I know about the bad shit that may happen the better.

I mean come on, they could print that a possible side effect of eating gummy worms is that you shoot rainbows out your ass and I guarandamntee you there will be at least one stooge somewhere swearing up and down that their ass not only has a rainbow shooting out of it from ingesting gummy worms but also a damn pot of gold at the other end. All just 'cause they read it on the package.

But, since I did read the side effects because this is something I'm going to be tossing down my throat for quite some time and I do believe a lot of it is mental, I choose to believe the one side effect to taking Yaz that I can live with: May Cause Weight Loss.

Can I get a "hell yeah!" on that one. I'm all over that. I've even heard reports that it helps curb breakouts. Hot damn a two-fer!! Nothing says I'm riding the crimson wave like a huge zit on the end of your nose or the tender spot on your chin at 33. Every freakin' month I feel like I'm going through puberty all over again with the damned spotty breakouts (read: that one huge ass zit in the most embarrassing of places.)!

So not only does my husband benefit from this but I'm going to convince myself that I'm going to lose weight and stop getting that one honking zit each month all from taking the pill.

It could happen. Right?

So as of today all is normal or as close to normal as I can get. I bought me some of the One-A-Day Weight Smart vitamins to take along with my pill. I figure taking a vitamin and the other together would help me to remember it better. Or it'll just be two things I've forgotten instead of just one. We'll see.

I'm still working out, although I was too lazy last night and haven't done it since Friday. I'm not seeing any weight come off the scale but I did wear a pair of pants today that were muffin toppers last year. I also bought a pair of shorts today from Old Navy. They were too cute and 1/2 the price that Friend 1 paid for hers two weeks ago! (Note to self: Call her to rub it in.)

They only had the skinny minny sizes up front of course so I had to ask for another size and the guy that was helping asked me what size I needed. I promptly told him that, "if I told you the size I needed, I'd have to kill you" and he gladly led me to another full rack and then skidded away as fast as he could.

What was he thinking? What size do you need? Psssht. That boy's mama didn't raise him right.

Anyway, I took a chance and grabbed an 8 but since they didn't say anything about having any stretch to them I was convinced I would have to take them back after I tried them on at home. But guess what? They fit!! Whoo-hoo!

Currently I'm at 141 and some change. That's last night's weight. I'd go weigh now but I'm lazy and A2 is sprawled out across my legs watching Little Bear and I'm lazy. Yeah, I know I said it twice.

So I'm off to take my pills, run on the treadmill, and update more of my blog roll.

FYI: A comment gets you automatic inclusion to the roll and possibly a new stalker reader!

More to come later in Adventures in Birth Control.

I can hear my reader numbers dwindling as I type.


Cecily R said...

I'm 33 too and yea, I go through puberty every month. It's the cosmic universe laugh at us.

Cecily R said...

I totally meant laughING at us...

DeeDee said...

I hear that bitch laughing loud and clear...make that loud and blotchy!

Anonymous said...

Best one of yours I've read yet.

So, as a guy, I'm wondering what was so bad about the last pill? Did you say? Was it killin' your sex drive?

And for the record, I'm just gonna go ahead and say right now, all that horsecrap about "gettin fixed" not hurtin...I don't believe it for a second. I'll wear 2 condoms each time if it means me and boys get to stick together!

But congrats on the exercising and stuff. I've been lifting for nigh on 15 years now and it's as much a part of my life as breathing!

Keep up the good work.

Mumma Boo said...

Good for you with the size 8's! Keep taking that pill/vitamin combo and you'll be a size 2 with a clear complexion in no time at all! I'm 39 and still going through puberty every month. Although, at this point, I'll take a few zits if it means keeping the hot flashes at bay for another few years. Ha, ha! Thanks for dropping by my site and commenting, too. Congrats on getting through the list!!

THopgood said...

LMAO!! You make me laugh! Thanks!

Danielle said...

HA! Good luck. I've bounced around different types of birth control since my second son but can't commit to any of them. Mostly because I still want another baby, and my husband does not.

So we exercise your (previous) method! Fun times!! Although it does nothing for his niceness factor towards me... :) way too cranky.

Maybe I should reconsider...

Jen S. said...

Good luck! Maybe *you'll* get lucky and have no side effects. I've been on and off the pill since age 18 (that's half my lifetime) and I'd never know it ... if I weren't the one swallowing the pill. But also, I never have gotten PMS, cramps, etc. I'm kind of a mutant that way, I guess. (Occasionally I might get an extra pimple, or an upset tummy, but I get those at other times of the month, too, so who knows.)

DeeDee said...

Postulates: There was no other pill. No sex = safe sex. Hense the need for change. My husband is thisclose to popping a blood vessle from lack of. I hope one day that exercise is just a daily part of my life too but right now it's a STRUGGLE. Takes a LOT of will power to go but I always feel better afterwards.

Danielle: That's about 99% of my reasoning for switching from the old method to the husband is cranky as can be x 10!

Jen: I hope to get lucky in more ways than one. ;P
Seriously, I've learned to manage my PMS a LOT better through the years and it's not really as bad as I make it out to be but any little bit to help make it non existent would be great!!

Thanks to all of you for stopping by. Comments make me giddy!!

Anonymous said...

I hate muffin tops!! :) I take Yaz too, and I missed the part about weight loss. And apparently the weight loss missed me. Damn it! I just started taking it last month though, so I guess I better give it time.

Chas said...

Thanks for the laugh. I'm 33 as well and that once a month acne is killing me. I didn't realize when I avoided it at 16 that it would come back to bite me in the butt...

I've been on the pill in the past, but when I hit 30, something changed in me and I can't do even the lowest form of hormone anymore- it turns my normally sweet disposition into something from a late night monster movie. My husband begged me to stop taking them and took the situation into his own hands since we just had our last baby(#2). He volunteered. How lucky am I?

for a different kind of girl said...

This was hilarious! Every time I do the full on "get ready for a date" with my OB/GYN, I think maybe I should do this pill thing again. The PMS thing alone would make some dudes around this place super happy, but seriously, the puberty at my delicate and advanced age is irritating!

Sharon said...

That is hilarious! I am currently practicing your previous method and my husband is the same way.... about... to... explode! And let me tell ya, he gets REAL cranky, poor guy!! But it's not that I am trying to avoid getting pregnant, I have a thyroid condition that leaves me with absolutely NO sex drive. Err.. yeah.. so no fun for either of us!! But do let me know how you like the BC, cause I am getting ready to go to the Dr. and get my thyroid staightened out, which will probably jump start the other stuff... so I might need to get back on some good BC!! Congrats on the weight loss!! Way to go!!

MadWomanMeg said...

Sounds like you and I employ the same kind of birth control. And Hotty Hubby got the snip over a year ago. I like the idea of this Yaz crap you're takin though. I'll be sure to pay attention and see if it causes the promised weight loss. If it does, I might have to go and get me some of that gold dust.

I think the boy in Old Navy needs a swift kick in the ass. "What size do you need?!" Are you kidding me? Where is that frying pan when you need one eh?

Jo said...

Good luck with it :-) I've been through a number of different types of pills (Yasmin was the last one, and, I feel, the best), and they all have different side effects. One thing I would note is that you need to keep an eye on your moods (keeping a little daily mood diary is a great idea) - one of the pills that I was on (and I can't remember which one - this was a few years ago) brought me to the brink of being suicidal before I twigged that it was depression imposed from outside!
I'm now using the Mirena coil, and can jump up and down and sing Hallelujah about it - occasional (once every three months) killer cramps, but other than that, very few hormonal changes at all :-D

Jenn said...

heh, I call that lovely adventure to the Docs office the *prop and squat* I hate going for those girly checkups!

That's awesome about the 8's! I'm jealous, that and a whole lot lazy which is why I'm still not losing anything. Congrats to you!

Heather said...

I take Seasonale and I love it. Only have a period 4 times a year. They have a new one, called Lybrel that you don't have any. I used to forget too, but then I started setting an alarm on my cell phone to remind me to take it, and now I don't forget anymore. I would say though, that they have suppressed my sex drive a bit, which for my hubby is a bonus, because he thinks I am over active. I can't believe he's for real. What man turns down sex?

moonspun said...

I take a pill, and don't get a period. But that's because I have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). I thought I was taking it for birth control, but turns out I have to for prosgesterone stuff...ugh. Plus it makes my fiance happy to know we are doing something. We've both got really high libidos, so your method wouldn't work for me. I think he says no more than I do! :-)
I am lazy, too, but have been running for a year. It both sucks and is wonderful. Always feels better after you STOP and you can say you've DONE IT.

Erin said...

I got pregnant on the pill...once...broke my iud...once and got pregnant...was on the patch...and guess number three...

I've had my second IUD for almost two years and don't have to remember to take pills every day.

Good luck with your pills and romancing your hubby again!

Anonymous said...

OK..don't take any pill..never had kid..period gets worst, hate the doctor. My PMS doesn't kill me it's when I'm ovulating. DAMN I get all hormonal and shit.

Size 8 = BITCH.. I mean, GOOD FOR YOU!!

Kelly said...

That was hilarious!!! Good luck with your pills!! Hope it does all the good stuff for you it says it will. Your husband parting the heavens in his mind was the highlight!!!!

cloudy said...

I am a big fan of the pill, but have been off it since trying to get pregnant with my son & am going to stay off until the next time I get pregnant. The resulting PMS craziness is harsh.

Sarah said...

So, I've been on birth control since I was 17 (I'm about to turn 23). There have been a few times in the past 5 years where I've decided to not take it anymore. Yeah, that last one month until I remember why my doctor recomended it for me in the first place. You'll feel like a new woman with (hopefully) all the amazing benefits birth control brings to "that time of the month". (see, less exhaustion, less bloating, less mood swings, lighter flow, fewer days) And weight loss! Go for it!

DeeDee said...

You guys have been great sharing your stories and advice. So far I'm three days into it and to be honest I can't even tell that I'm doing anything different. I'm hoping that is a good sign. No headaches, no dizziness, nothing. I've been taking my One A Day Weight Smart and the only thing I can tell with that is that I pee a LOT. Apparently it has a diuretic in it and I'm guessing that is where you'll see the weight difference.

Anyway, I like to try to hit each of you up but these past couple of days have been crazy! I hope to get back into blog mode soon!

You guys rock!

DeeDee said...

Oh and mysecondjournal...just 'cuz I said it was an 8 didn't mean it didn't have a whole lot of STRETCH to it! LOL ;P

Anonymous said...

Clearly, the answer that you have been giving your husband is not the answer I was thinking when I began reading this entry. Then you started talking chick and I lost my place. If you are done having kids, tell hubby that the vasectomy is the best thing to happen to a married man's sex life since, well, women. Neither of you have to worry about the "side effects" of having sex with the swimmers out of the question. You can just enjoy wild monkey sex without a care in the world.

Lil Sass said...

Oh man, talkin' shop about birth control is MY THING!!! I have worked in reproductive health for years and can give advice and share stories and warn you 100 times around the moon! The moral of the story is that you should do whatever works for you. Everyone's body is different so don't get caught up with what your girlfriend's say about a certain form of BC. HOWEVER .... I had to stop talking OCs (oral contraceptives) years ago b/c of my migraines and family history of breast cancer. I had a copper IUD put in three years ago and it's the best thing that EVER.HAPPENED.TO.ME!!!!!! It has NO HORMONES!!! Which means my life continues as it should, with no artificial crap in my body and I'm protected for up to 10 years (should I want it in that long). Despite Erin's horrific story(ies), the IUD is the most effective form of birtht control on the planet. ON.THE.PLANET!!!!!! Man, don't GET me started on how much I love this thing!!! *sigh* Kthnxbai

alntv said...

Ya guys suck! Good luck with the new blue thingies...