Adventures in Birth Control

Yep, if you're a little squeamish you might not want to read this because I'm going there...I'm looking at you daddy and any other male who may have stumbled across this little gem even though I know you're going to read it anyway. Don't say I didn't warn you, sucka!

So, earlier this month I had the pleasure of going for that yearly, strip down to nothing, sit here uncomfortably in this lovely two piece PAPER outfit for at least half and hour, then slide your ass down to the veeerrry edge of this cold hard table while some stranger tries to scrape the back of my tonsils my nether regions using a seriously cold duck like contraption and a Q-tip the length of a football field, all while making odd small talk about the weather, checkup. Big fun. Can't wait til next year to get to do it all over again.

Oh wait, I decided to start taking birth control pills so I get to do it all over again. In two weeks. Yippiefuckin'skippie!

I've never taken birth control pills in my life so why all of a sudden start now?

It's all because of my husband. He has been on this kick lately (read: for the past who freaking knows how long) bitching and complaining about my current form of birth control which is pretty much 100% effective. Seriously, why mess with a good thing?

My current birth control has no risk of weight gain, no messy clean up, no needles, and no sticky patches or pills that I have to worry about forgetting to take. It's pretty much perfect. For me.

He does the same thing night after night and it works like a charm.

He comes in and asks if he's getting lucky and I give him the same answer just about every time.
Side Note: My husband is the LAST person you would want to bring along with you on a trip to Vegas. Just sayin'.

So because all of his bitching and moaning is really getting old and mostly because, let's face it, I'm trying to do better and not be so selfish, I've decided to bite the bullet and switch methods. Gawh!

Plus I love the guy, he takes good care of us, and frankly the dude could use some serious stress relief. I'm afraid his head is going to pop off any minute now from all the built up tension or built up something! And I got to thinkin', switching birth control is a lot easier than getting a divorce or havin' to cut-a-bitch 'cause he's done gone and drug home some floozy.

I like to think ahead.

Luckily you get to tag along for the journey. I take my first pill tonight and hope to document any changes in my body and overall attitude. For all of you experts out there, yes, I know I'm suppose to wait for a Sunday start but Doc said I could do a Monday start if I wanted. So I'll be taking Yaz because it's apparently got a lower dosage and isn't such a shock to the system.

Plus it helps with PMS.

When I told my husband that part I could literally hear the heavens parting his brain and angels singing hallelujah from inside! I'm not joking.

Also, the side effects seems to be a little less harsh than some. I usually don't like to read the side effects when it comes to medicine because I figure a lot of that crap is all in your head and the less I know about the bad shit that may happen the better.

I mean come on, they could print that a possible side effect of eating gummy worms is that you shoot rainbows out your ass and I guarandamntee you there will be at least one stooge somewhere swearing up and down that their ass not only has a rainbow shooting out of it from ingesting gummy worms but also a damn pot of gold at the other end. All just 'cause they read it on the package.

But, since I did read the side effects because this is something I'm going to be tossing down my throat for quite some time and I do believe a lot of it is mental, I choose to believe the one side effect to taking Yaz that I can live with: May Cause Weight Loss.

Can I get a "hell yeah!" on that one. I'm all over that. I've even heard reports that it helps curb breakouts. Hot damn a two-fer!! Nothing says I'm riding the crimson wave like a huge zit on the end of your nose or the tender spot on your chin at 33. Every freakin' month I feel like I'm going through puberty all over again with the damned spotty breakouts (read: that one huge ass zit in the most embarrassing of places.)!

So not only does my husband benefit from this but I'm going to convince myself that I'm going to lose weight and stop getting that one honking zit each month all from taking the pill.

It could happen. Right?

So as of today all is normal or as close to normal as I can get. I bought me some of the One-A-Day Weight Smart vitamins to take along with my pill. I figure taking a vitamin and the other together would help me to remember it better. Or it'll just be two things I've forgotten instead of just one. We'll see.

I'm still working out, although I was too lazy last night and haven't done it since Friday. I'm not seeing any weight come off the scale but I did wear a pair of pants today that were muffin toppers last year. I also bought a pair of shorts today from Old Navy. They were too cute and 1/2 the price that Friend 1 paid for hers two weeks ago! (Note to self: Call her to rub it in.)

They only had the skinny minny sizes up front of course so I had to ask for another size and the guy that was helping asked me what size I needed. I promptly told him that, "if I told you the size I needed, I'd have to kill you" and he gladly led me to another full rack and then skidded away as fast as he could.

What was he thinking? What size do you need? Psssht. That boy's mama didn't raise him right.

Anyway, I took a chance and grabbed an 8 but since they didn't say anything about having any stretch to them I was convinced I would have to take them back after I tried them on at home. But guess what? They fit!! Whoo-hoo!

Currently I'm at 141 and some change. That's last night's weight. I'd go weigh now but I'm lazy and A2 is sprawled out across my legs watching Little Bear and I'm lazy. Yeah, I know I said it twice.

So I'm off to take my pills, run on the treadmill, and update more of my blog roll.

FYI: A comment gets you automatic inclusion to the roll and possibly a new stalker reader!

More to come later in Adventures in Birth Control.

I can hear my reader numbers dwindling as I type.