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Monday, May 5, 2008

Riddle Me This

Why is it that an object, no matter how big or how small, can sit around and NOFREAKINGBODY will even touch it much less notice it, until that is I get sick and tired of looking at the damn thing and decide to pitch it out the door? It could be something big like three broken toasters that will never work a single day again or something small that has been shoved up under the couch way back into the farthest reaches that the dust bunnies have grown over it and you can't even recognize what it is? Shit like that happens here at my house.

Here's my latest outburst along those lines. I was cleaning out the bathtub the other day and decided that since the mesh bag of rubber squirty bullshit bath toys haven't been touched in, oh say, an entire year or better, that their time had come and it was out the door they go. Now usually A2 is right there up under me trying to help clean everything but on this particular day he was off play Thomas the Tank since that's the new obsession around here.

I decided I'd seen enough of them and since the coast was clear I was getting rid of them. Now keep in mind I didn't take them out of the bag. I just unstuck the two little suction cup frogs that was holding it in place and put it in a garbage bag out in the garage. WooHoo! no more bag with mildew infested ducks, crabs or frogs on the back of the tub and mommy has a place to put her head when I take a bath besides hanging it off to the side or up under the bag so that it rests on the top of my skull!

WRONG!

That afternoon the chores were done and A2's begging to take a bath so I relent. Why not? The tub is pristine and because I'm cool like that I left the one cup that he likes to fill up with freezing cold water to douche the giver of the bath at least one good time while their head is turned in there for him to play with. I was hoping the Dad would be the giver but I went ahead and took the hit.

No sooner had that child stepped his nekkid little ass over into the tub did he realize that the bag full of shit bath toys he CAN IN NO WAY POSSIBLE LIVE ANOTHER DAY WITHOUT were no longer hanging in their place. (The same fuckers that he hadn't touched in forever. Have I mentioned that already?)

Let the hysteria ensue.

He started crying wailing at the top of his lungs while stomping both feet in the water, "MAAAAMA WHERE DUCK GO?? WHERE POG GO? I NEEED IT!" Talk about overreacting. I thought he was going to pass the hell out and drown right there on the spot.

Good damn thing I didn't throw them out, or torch them like I had originally planned, and I just put them out in the garage. So I convinced him to chill the fuck out while I went to go get them because "mommy was just going to clean them!" Pretty sure he bought that because he then started screaming, "GOOO GEEETTT I NEEEED IT." He's seriously got a future in acting.

I padded out to the garage, plucked them out of the garbage bag and resisted every urge in my body to swing them around my head at mach speed so that they would all fly out and pelt his nekkid little body one by one for making me haul that shit back in!

You'd a thought that was the worst of it but it wasn't. Now that they were safe and sound back in his clutches he had to fill each one of those little bastards up with water and squirt them. He was loving it and played with them for at least 15 minutes or so solid. Now I wasn't really paying too much attention to that because I was wiping down the mirror in there and doing piddly little things while he played with them in the bubbles.

It wasn't until I squatted down to give him his actual bath that he turned his squirty frog dead at me and blasted me right in the face. Normally it's not that big of a deal. I'm easy so I roll with it, that is after dumping a cup of ice cold water on him, but since this particular freaking frog or any of them for that matter hadn't been played with for SO long they were all filled with this black sludge that smelled and looked like ass.

There I sat. Defeated. Not only did I have to bring those damn things back into my house after tossing them out the door, my once clean bath tub was now covered with tiny black chunks of moldy goop that he had managed to squirt out of each one of those toys but my face and hair had the equivalent of ass sludge all over them.

After I wiped my face off I had to get him out, clean the tub out again, run more water, bathe him again and then jump in the shower myself. After that I had to take each and every one of those toys out of there and dump them in the kitchen sink where they all got a thorough scrubbing and then hung back up on the back of my tub in their stupid little mesh bag.

That little incident happened about three baths ago and I want you to know he hasn't played with them once since that very day!

Have you met my children? I will now refer to them as counterproductive1 and overlydramaticcounterproductiveoftentimesbatshitcrazy2.


Ever thrown something out that nobody had touched in ages only to have them freak out on you because they need it now and can't live without it or is my family just weird?

Almost forgot: Happy Cinco de Mayo! Hope you had fun today! I spent as much time as I could today going through the list of blogs I posted a few days ago leaving comments. I'm slowly working my way down. I want to make sure I actually read what you guys write and try to leave a good comment. I'm loving all the comments from you guys back! Now go out there and be a comment whore like me, you'll see them start rolling back into your own before you know it! I'm seriously feeling the blog love out there! Thanks to everybody who has been here and left a comment. Ya'll come back now, ya hear!

Here's the link to the list in case you're like me and too lazy to look for things! I'm going to try to remember to add it to each new post I add for a little while so that it's easier to get to for everybody.

http://randomdailyramblings.blogspot.com/2008/04/blog-rolling-with-my-homies.html

25 Comments:

Gerbil said...

Hell to the yes. In my case its currently my husband and coupons. good nght nurse, its a freaking fire hazard.

Michele said...

Hey, thanks for stopping by my place! I am totally with you on the skanky bath toys. Our scum filled frog met an untimely death just last week. I replaced it witg a set if measuring cups and a plastic teapot and they forgot all about the frog.

Heather said...

I am so lucky, I haven't had to deal with bath toys in ten years. haha in your face DeeDee. LOL

Kate @ Life As I Live It said...

Well, at least you know A2 is observant! LOL

Thanks for stopping by my blog for a visit. Have a great day!

3 Brats said...

Ok got my giggle on today...thanks! your sludge kinda reminds me of the crap I had to clean out of the backyard pond....I think every damn animal on the forest shit in it, it was that bad. My hubby even threatened to push me in. Now what kind of person would do that?!?! A dimented 31 year old man, thats who...he is my husband, the one who says he loves me?!?! Have a fun day!
M~

THopgood said...

I learned the hard way that when we purge the toys before Christmas every year we do it withOUT the children in the house!

My Kids' Mom said...

It isn't just the kid that notices when somethings missing. The huz does it exactly the same way. I have a routine: I try to leave stuff on the table for about a week to see if it gets used, then I hide it for a couple days to see if anyone notices, then I pitch it. Then they notice.

Thanks for dropping by my blog. Good of DGM to spread the love this way!

Andrea said...

You crack me up. :) Thank you for the love on my blog, just giving some back to ya !

Slinky

MereCat said...

Oh that was some bath story. I have 14 month old twins and I know where this is heading. Eeesh.

2 Baby Bumble Bees said...

Thanks for the visit!

I am so totally with you on this. Please have the strength to let that shit stay in the garbage - where it belongs!!

DeeDee said...

You guys are awesome! Thanks for dropping in and let's just hope you have more will power than I do when it comes to tossing stuff out and leaving it out!! I'm really a softy but let's just keep that amongst us!

Erin said...

We frequently purge here at my house, and it goes so much easier when the kids are tied up in the kitchen...wait i mean safely at grandmas...

With three kids the toys pile up super fast. I also keep a bowl of fast food place toys all year round to give out at halloween...if my kids knew that I'd be dead meat!

Heather said...

That's happened to me with Happy Meal toys. You'd think I threw away their puppy.

MadWomanMeg said...

Seriously, I think I woulda just postponed the bath or sent the Dad to go buy new bath toys. The black ass gunk is so foul it would put a cow to shame with the smell.

I just hucked all ours too in my mass cleaning spree.

By the way....I finished the list. How you doin with it?

alntv said...

I get rid of stuff one piece at a time. Less conspicuous! They never know until its too late...

hehe

The Mrs. said...

Bath toys are pure evil, designed only to drench unwanted targets and cause cage-match fights over who gets what first.

Great list, and thanks for all the work you put into it!

Mumma Boo said...

Ok, this post made me snarf my beverage - thanks! Bath toys are evil - ours get purged at least every other month. Now I must go clean the beer off the laptop as that's one thing I know the hubby will miss if I throw it out...

So who am I? said...

Ohhh! You are too funny. I have had the same issue with the moldy, ass smell bath toys. Frickin' rubber duck that was lost under the sink, suddenly spied in the trash and then became the MUST HAVE bath toy. Ugh! We've got measuring cups, a bucket, a shovel and that seems to work fine.

By the way, thanks again for stopping by to visit.

Heidi said...

yeah, my kids not so much but the husband??? Seriously, he could have a piece of junk mail sitting in a pile in the bottom of the desk drawer and I find it 6 months later, throw it out and he's looking for it THAT NIGHT. Really? You NEEDED that? :)

ilana (Helen) Pengelly said...

I spat coffee at my screen when I read this. Trip back on over to my href="http://pengellypastimes.blogspot.com/2008/05/gone-but-not-forgotten.html" target="_blank">post about a similar event involving my very own ODCPOTBSC#1

ilana (Helen) Pengelly said...

http://pengellypastimes.blogspot.com/2008/05/gone-but-not-forgotten.html
Sorry about that I was trying to get fancy with the embedded code but it didn't work. Still you can always cut and paste right?

billandjill.com said...

Your kid(s) beg you to get in the tub?

Does. not. compute.

Northern_Girl said...

You made the mistake of pitching them all at once. I went into stealth mode and pitched them one or two at a time each week. Took longer, but no one really noticed they were gone once the last ones were tossed.

Now - I'm taking the same stealth tactics with closets and cupboards. Eventually, I'll be able to pack everything my family of four needs/uses into a rolling suitcase and...yeah...what planet am I living on?

Danielle-lee said...

OH yes .I have that same mesh bag in my bathroom, with the same damn toys. I don't like to think about what is inside of them. Now that I have a very distinct picture in my head, I think I'll be washing them tonight. Ugh.

moonspun said...

Thanks for the laugh out loud! (and for the list and leaving a comment on my blog).
My daughter is 7 and she MIGHT not freak out like that, but it might be a possibility. Luckily after moving a couple time, our toys are down to only hard plastic ones with no chance for 'ass sludge.' I remember it well, though...