Hello, My Name is Mud

Monday was probably one of the worst days I've had in the land of motherhood. A1 decided to let me know that he "doesn't always love me" and that "there is a lot of things in his head that he just doesn't say when he's mad at me" (i.e. I'm a major bitch).

What started out as a typical day around here turned to piss pretty quickly.

I deleted what I wrote about this post because I didn't want to hurt A1's feelings if he ever read it, plus I guess it's one of those things that the specific details should remain between he and I.
I will say that it all started with an argument between the two of us over something that he knew better than to do and because he is getting a lot bolder in his "talking back" things escalated rapidly.

The hard part for me was hearing from him that I make it hard for him to love me everyday. Man that was a major gut shot. I took it though without batting and eye and I just told him that it was OK that he didn't always love me because I loved him enough for the both of us. I told him that even though he screws up I still love him no matter what. I might want to choke him out or put my foot up his ass but hey, I still love him.

I pretty much told him somewhere in our conversation that I know he goes into his room and makes faces and does the "mom's a bitch dance" and he confirmed it with a giant smirk and that's where he said there were other things he just kept in his head and didn't say. That's OK, I can remember doing the same dance about my mother when I was his age, oh wait, that was yesterday, anyway, it still doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with knowing he's in there doing it.

After all was said and done he lost pool privileges for two days and I stuck to it without caving. I hate having to take stuff away from him like that but it works. Even though it was tough for me to stay strong and not let him know that it hurt me to hear what he said, I couldn't risk caving in and letting this all be for nothing. He had to learn from it too. I couldn't let him know that my feelings were hurt because I couldn't risk him using that against me the next time things aren't going his way.

I know it's got to be tough on him right now. He's almost 13 and in a sense he's "too old" according to peers or society to do some of the things that I know he would still love to do and yet he's not old enough to do other things. I'm sure the fact that we had A2 so late and he gets away with so much right now "because he's a baby" is hard for A1 to swallow.

If it were a perfect world I wouldn't have had A1 so early and A2 so late behind him. I would have had A1 when I was about 28 and then A2 would only be about three years younger. But it just didn't work out that way. A1 knows he's my miracle baby, he and I have gone through a lot together and in a way we are both still growing up together. He's been my rock and it kills me to know that he feels the way that he does sometimes. I've tried to be the cool mom but I've also made sure I was the mom that didn't try to just be my child's best friend.

I am hard on him because I want to make sure he knows what's right and what's wrong and I want him to be responsible for his actions. I don't want either of my boys to turn 18 and not be able to take care of themselves or be one of those men who can't function without a woman doing everything for him. My baby (A1) can cook for himself, make up his bed and clean a room almost as well as I can, he can sew better than I can and best of all he's got common sense and uses it.

A1 is an all around awesome child. He's smart, brought home a trophy for getting A's all year long this year at school, he's funny, he's tenderhearted and he is the greatest big brother on the planet. He's got a plan for what he wants to be when he grows up and the thing that makes me proud is that he looks forward to going to college to make it happen. I just hope he realizes that even though we don't see eye to eye all the time, no matter what, I'm going to be there cheering for him every single step of the way. I may have my witches broom with me on some days but it's just one of those things I hope he can look back on when he's a grown man and understand that I do the things I do and make him do things that he may not enjoy because I love him.

Because of all that, I've tried not to dwell on what happened Monday too much this week because truthfully Monday was the only rotten day. The rest of the week has been great. We've played board games, shopped for beach towels and just hung out together with no drama whatsoever. I know it's a phase he's going through, hell, I wasn't an easy teenager either but then again WHO IS!!!???

I'm assuming this is some sort of right of passage that every mother has to endure on the road of motherhood but I'll tell you I'm praying there's a freaking detour somewhere nearby.